Salmon is expensive. I assume it’s because it takes a lot of money to get the camera crew out onto the ships for those stupid “I’m a big burley fisherman” reality shows. You know what’s frightening? Someone watches those shows. No clue whom, but if I meet one of them I’m going to slap them soundly on the forehead and hope it jostles the tiny bit of shriveled up matter they call a brain.
I digress… (As usual)
Salmon is expensive, so I really suggest that if you’re going to spend the money and the time to make a salmon dinner, you make it for you and your lover only (If your lover is also your spouse, KUDOS!).
Seriously… this is one of the fastest/easiest dinners I know. The only reason it’s not made in my house more often is the cost of the fish.
I actually know a few ways to cook salmon. I find this fact distressing and I’ll tell you why; if you happen to inadvertently retain recipes in your head there are a couple of things that can happen… neither of them is good.
1. People will expect you to be able to cook at a moment’s notice. Rather than being the one that couldn’t POSSIBLY be called upon to help in the kitchen, or to cook a dish for a church function (HA!!), you become the one that can be trusted around sharp kitchen implements and huge burn-ey hot stove thingies. THIS IS BAD! You’ll have to duck requests for cooking help all the time, and there’s only so many times you can claim to have projectile leprosy in one year without looking stupid.
2. You give up valuable brain real estate. You need all the memory retention space you can get as you get older. Filling your brain up with something as ridiculous as recipes is just a waste of space. Space that could be used for important things like where you left your keys, what you told your spouse you paid for the new shoes so that if asked you can instantly recall that little whopper or my personal favorite, where exactly is that “Safe Place” you keep putting important crap that you can’t seem to find to save your life.. But at least you know its ‘safe’. (I keep all important crap in a safe place. The problem is its safe from me, too. Little bag of sucky right there, I’ll tell you.)
OK... So… here’s a little ‘Choose Your Own Cooking Adventure' game I’ve come up with. Wee! Cooking is FUN! YAAAY.
(Told you... make a game out of it or you’ll want to beat yourself to death with a wooden spork)
(Told you... make a game out of it or you’ll want to beat yourself to death with a wooden spork)
Choose the applicable answer below and proceed to the area it tells you to...
· Must have Salmon, Seafood Stuffing (available at most fish counters in your local grocery store), a bag-O-salad and a tube-O-bread.
b. I have about 30 minutes to make dinner and get me the hell out of the kitchen. (I CHOOSE RECIPE B!)
· Must have Salmon, Ranch Dressing/Miracle Whip, Bag O salad, Tube O bread.
c. I have about 15 minutes to make dinner, I hate you and all people that make me feel the need to cook for these ungrateful wretches I call family members.
(I CHOOSE RECIPE C!)
(I CHOOSE RECIPE C!)
· Must have salmon, Ranch Dressing/Miracle Whip and a bag O salad.
Ok... so you spent the day watching HGTV, making mental plans to paint or redecorate something and now you feel you should actually do... well... something. This is an easy recipe, but not exactly super super quick. It goes a wee bit against what I usually stand for, but I love fish, and this is wicked yummy.
Stuff you need to have:
1. 1- 1.5 lb of salmon. (A nice thick slice is best for this recipe.)
2. Butter (or butter type stuff)
3. 1 Tbsp of Olive Oil
4. Pepper/Salt/Dill weed
5. 1 cup of seafood stuffing (I’ve always been able to find this at the seafood counter of the grocery store. It’s way easier to buy this stuff than to make it on your own.)
6. Bag O Salad
7. Tube-O-bread (Pillsbury Italian Bread)
Other stuff needed:
1. Glass pan (Pyrex type)
2. Cookie Sheet covered w/Tin Foil
3. Nice thin spatula (IN-FREAKIN’-PORTANT!)
4. Frying pan
5. Hands
6. Cutting board (HINT: Wrap the cutting board in Press & Seal for this one… quicker cleanup)
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
[FISHY]
Take the fishy and plop it on your cutting board scale side down.
(See Salmon Cooking Hint #1)
Make a deep slice from about an inch away from the top of the fish slab, to an inch away from the bottom of the fish slab. I say deep, meaning about all the way through, but just not quite.
Stick your finger in and run it up and down the cut. (If you’re doing it right it will look like a scene from a particularly graphic porno movie.)
Stuff that baby! Push stuffing into the slit. Push as much in as you can, and mound it up on the top of the fish slab, too.
Add the olive oil and about 3 tablespoons of butter to a med-high skillet and bring to a good sizzle. (Kind of boiley-ish)
Carefully place the fish slab in the skillet. (This takes a wee bit of care and precision... don’t screw it up and flip the fish onto the floor, K? – but if you do… 5 second rule DOES apply!)
Spoon the boiley buttery mixture on top of the fish and stuffing. Do this for about 5 minutes.
Remove the fish from the skillet (again, don’t screw it up) and place into the glass pan.
Dump remaining buttery stuffs from skillet on top of the fish; add some pepper/dill/salt.
Place pan into the oven.
[BREAD]
Take out a cookie sheet. (Personally I go for the foil cookie sheets, 3 for $2.49 at the grocery store, cus you can toss them out if you happen to get stuff stuck on them that you don't wanna clean)
Cover in tinfoil (Trust me, I'm making your life easier... recycle other stuff and stop being a martyr in the kitchen, k?)
Spray with one quick spray of Pam cooking spray.
Open the Italian Bread and follow instructions on the cover (that's if you haven't ripped the instructions all to hell while attempting to pull it off the tube)
Put the bread in the oven.
Set the timer for 30 minutes.
[SALAD]
Open the bag of salad
Wash the bag of salad (see ‘open’ first, don’t wash the actual salad bag. That would earn you a ‘FoodTarded’ award.)
***Salad Hint:
Bagged salad is super easy, BUT... clean the stuff before eating. I saw this thing on TV once about how they’ve found rodent feces in bagged salad. Is it true? NO FUCKING CLUE!! BUT SWEET TAPDANCING CHRIST! RAT FECES!! Ok... yeah... so dump the salad in a strainer and use the sink sprayer doo-hicky to clean it really well.
Stick cleaned salad into a big bowl.
If you’re at all OCD, toss a paper towel or clean kitchen towel over it so you can be totally sure that no cockroach or spider or alien-that-wants-to-take-over-your-brain bug gets in it.
Set aside till dinners all ready.
Time warp, time warp!! - 30 MINUTES LATER
Take the bread out and toss a clean kitchen towel or napkin over it to keep it warm.
Take the fish out and check it. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #2)
Remove the salmon from the pan, and while removing from pan, remove it from the skin, as well. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #3)
Cut the salmon into appropriate number (three is the appropriate number for my lil’ family) and put on plates. Add salad on the side or directly on the dish with the salmon. Slice bread, put everything on the table.
Nomnomnoms.
You want a yummy fish dinner because you’re being all healthy and crap. You don’t wanna spend much time doing it. You must have bread because you’re a carb-addict. Well do I got the recipe for YOU! Not only is this yummy, you’ll have practically NO residual fishy smell in the kitchen afterwards (Unless your slutty sister-in-law happens to come over. I can’t do anything about that. I have my own problems, k?)
Stuff you need to have:
1. 1 – 1.5lb of salmon.
2. Ranch Dressing
3. Pepper/Salt/Dill weed
4. Bag O Salad
5. Tube-o-bread
Other stuff needed:
1. Glass pan (Pyrex type)
2. Cookie Sheet covered w/Tin Foil
3. Nice thin spatula (IN-FREAKIN’-PORTANT!)
4. Microwave
5. Press & Seal
6. Hands
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
[BREAD]
Take out a cookie sheet. (Personally I go for the foil cookie sheets, 3 for $2.49 at the grocery store, cus you can toss them out if you happen to get stuff stuck on them that you don't wanna clean)
Cover in tinfoil (Trust me, I'm making your life easier... recycle other stuff and stop being a martyr in the kitchen, k?)
Spray with one quick spray of Pam cooking spray.
Open the Italian Bread and follow instructions on the cover (that's if you haven't ripped the instructions all to hell while attempting to pull it off the tube)
Put the bread in the oven.
Set the timer for 20 minutes.
[FISHY]
Take the fishy and plop it in your glass Pyrex dish, scaly side down. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #1)
Spread a nice even coating of ranch dressing on the fish. (Cover all the fishy fleshy bits)
Cover the dish with Press & Seal.
Put dish in the microwave.
….please hold… your fish is very important to us… Come back to the fish when the bread timer goes off.
[SALAD]
Open the bag of salad
Wash the bag of salad (see ‘open’ first, don’t wash the actual salad bag. That would earn you a ‘FoodTarded’ award. )
***Salad Hint:
Bagged salad is super easy, BUT... clean the stuff before eating. I saw this thing on TV once about how they’ve found rodent feces in bagged salad. Is it true? NO FUCKING CLUE!! BUT SWEET TAPDANCING CHRIST! RAT FECES!! Ok... yeah... so dump the salad in a strainer and use the sink sprayer doo-hicky to clean it really well.
Stick cleaned salad into a big bowl.
If you’re at all OCD, toss a paper towel or clean kitchen towel over it so you can be totally sure that no cockroach or spider or alien-that-wants-to-take-over-your-brain bug gets in it.
Set aside till dinners all ready.
-----Time warp 20 minutes into the future!!
BACK TO THE FISHY!
Microwave the salmon for 4 – 5 minutes on high. Obviously, microwave times vary. I’d check the fish after 4 minutes and make sure it’s lookin’ good. Typically I find for my microwave it takes me about 6 minutes to get to the point I like it, but always err on the side of undercooked salmon. You can always add a minute to the cook time. Taking away a minute involves complex time/space machinery that, well, let’s faces it, you probably don’t have on hand. I mean... I’m worried you may NOT have a microwave or a wooden spoon or whathaveyou… chances you have a time changey device is probably really freakin’ slim, hmm? Umm...anyway. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #2.)
Remove the salmon from the dish. Also, while removing from the dish, remove from the skin. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #3.)
Slice the salmon into appropriate size slices depending on how many peeps you’re feeding (for me, it’s three.)
HAY! - Back to Bread!
By now you should remove the bread. Remember, the bread takes 1.2 hour. So by putting the timer at 20 minutes, then spending a few minutes Salmon Wrasslin’, you’re probably to the .5 hour mark… so take out your bread and get your carbs on, baby!
Grub’s on!
Stick everything on a table, eat it up.
********************
Super fast salmon dinner! I like this one a whole lot. Why, may you ask? Cus its fast and my kitchen doesn’t smell like fish when I’m done (unless my sister-in-law has been here... but you do NOT want details on that, trust me.) Also, if someone else is around I seem wicked healthy. I’m not, but it seems like I am! Perception is all that matters!
Stuff you need to have:
1. 1 – 1.5lb of salmon.
2. Ranch Dressing or Miracle Whip
3. Pepper/Salt/Dill weed
4. Bag O Salad
Other stuff needed:
1. Glass pan (Pyrex type)
2. Nice thin spatula (IN-FREAKIN’-PORTANT!)
3. Microwave
4. Press & Seal
5. Hands
[FISHY]
Take the fishy and plop it in your glass Pyrex dish, scaly side down. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #1)
Spread a nice even coating of ranch dressing on the fish. (Cover all the fishy fleshy bits)
Cover the dish with Press & Seal.
Put dish in the microwave.
….please hold… your fish is very important to us… Come back to the fish when the salad is ready.
[SALAD]
Open the bag of salad
Wash the bag of salad (see ‘open’ first, don’t wash the actual salad bag. That would earn you a ‘FoodTarded’ award. )
***Salad Hint:
Bagged salad is super easy, BUT... clean the stuff before eating. I saw this thing on TV once about how they’ve found rodent feces in bagged salad. Is it true? NO FUCKING CLUE!! BUT SWEET TAPDANCING CHRIST! RAT FECES!! Ok... yeah... so dump the salad in a strainer and use the sink sprayer doo-hicky to clean it really well.
Stick cleaned salad into a big bowl.
If you’re at all OCD, toss a paper towel or clean kitchen towel over it so you can be totally sure that no cockroach or spider or alien-that-wants-to-take-over-your-brain bug gets in it.
Set aside till salmon is all ready.
Microwave the salmon for 4 – 5 minutes on high. Obviously, microwave times vary. I’d check the fish after 4 minutes and make sure it’s lookin’ good. Typically I find for my microwave it takes me about 6 minutes to get to the point I like it, but always err on the side of undercooked salmon. You can always add a minute to the cook time. Taking away a minute involves complex time/space machinery that, well, let’s face it, you probably don’t have on hand. I mean... I’m worried you may NOT have a microwave or a wooden spoon or whathaveyou… chances you have a time changey device is probably really freakin’ slim, hmm? Umm...anyway. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #2.)
Remove the salmon from the dish. Also, while removing from the dish, remove from the skin. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #3.)
Slice the salmon into appropriate size slices depending on how many peeps you’re feeding (for me, it’s three.)
Do one of the following:
1. Slice the salmon into nice bite size pieces, place on top of salad in a nice salad bowl. Looks pretty, doubled “aren’t you just the healthy one!” points.
2. Put salmon onto dish, put salad onto dish (this is especially good for people with that weird “my food can’t touch each other” issue.)
Eat up, like this; NOMNOMNOMMIN’
********************
Umm… about the scaly bits… here’s the deal on this. Ask the dweeb at the fish counter to slice the skin off ONLY if they look competent. Slicing the skin off is a bitch and a half. It’s hard. If they don’t do a good job at it you lose a good portion of your fish and you’re faced with having to tell them “Well now I don’t want it, you dork!” which is fun, but often times just too much effort, yanno? SO, if it looks like they know what they’re doing, ASK. If, however, it doesn’t look like it can be done easily by that person, don’t ask. Just cook the fish and then using a thin spatula, lift the fish away from the skin afterwards. That’s as far as I’m going with this hint cus the only way to make it easier for you is for me to come over there and do it.. and you got a better chance of kissing the Pope on the mouth than you have of getting me to come help cook.)
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It’s tricky with salmon to really check it well. This is because it’s a pink fish, and when cooked, is still a pinkish fish. It comes down to texture. Fish is flakey. Even a fairly moist fish like Salmon gets kinda flakey. If it’s overcooked it’s kinda hard. Don’t do that, k? If it’s NOT cooked all the way, it’s not at all flakey. Its pinker, and...Erm... unflakier (in a sorta mooshy way) than the rest of the fish. Here’s what I found online about how to make sure fish is cooked all the way:
“To test, give it a gentle press or squeeze. (That’s what she said!) Perfectly cooked salmon will give slightly, but not too much; if it's wobbly or jelly-like, then it's undercooked. Salmon which is firm to the touch is definitely overcooked and you'll find eating it akin to chewing on cotton wool.” – from http://www.trout-salmon-fishing.com/salmon-recipes.htm
(I love this person!) Ok... so don’t eat wobbly or jelly-like salmon. Also, don’t eat super firm cotton wool salmon. Words to live by, my friend. Words to live by.
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Peek at the edge of the salmon. See where the skin sorta meets the meat of the fish? Slide the spatula between there and lift. Again, its’ easy, but not all that easy to explain. So...erm... have at it.
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