I need it, don’t got it

Kitchen utensils and ingredient replacement stuff

Meat Mallet - Need to “pound” or “slam” something? Don’t we all! But I mean like, oh, I dunno... MEAT. Try a mallet. Don’t have one? No problems. (I didn’t have one til I was like 35 years old and my step mother brought me one as a hostess gift after watching me beat the crap out of chicken breast with a bottle of pickles. Try a soup can, hammer, hard plastic mug or a rock (rocks work awesome, actually!). Another hint… it’s a good idea to place some waxed paper over the meat. So… having waxed paper or even some old cloth is a good idea, but not utterly necessary.

(The following recipe ingredient substitutions are ones I found all over the net. Best way to find them is to type “common ingredient substitutions” in Google.)

Buttermilk - If you want to make pancakes or waffles that call for buttermilk (something that most people do not keep on hand). Try mixing one cup of milk with 1 tablespoon of lemon juice or vinegar. Let the mixture sit for a few minutes before adding to the recipe.

(Seriously? That's just freakin' nasty. I would only do something this heinous and foul if I could be utterly sure that in doing so I’d NEVER have to cook again.)

Molasses - If your recipe calls for molasses try using honey instead (it is a one-to-one substitution or 1 cup for 1 cup).

Baking powder - if your recipe calls for baking powder you can substitute 1/4 t. baking soda and 1/2 t. cream of tartar for 1 t. of baking powder.

(If I don’t have baking powder, chances are pretty freakin’ slim I’m harboring baking soda and cream of tartar. WTF is tartar, anyway??)

 1 square chocolate - substitute with 2 2/3 T. of cocoa and 1/2 T. butter.

(Personally I’d substitute 1 square of chocolate with 32 squares of chocolate… but whatever.)

 Milk - You can substitute 1 cup milk with 1/2 c. evaporated milk and 1/2 c. water. Another substitution is 4T. powdered milk and 1 c. water.

(If you have evaporated milk OR powdered milk on hand, you’re a douche-noodle. Stop reading my blog this instant.)

I looked for others, but for God’s sake. People out there are cooking freakin' nuts. "If you don't have honey, instead use light or dark corn syrup plus granulated sugar. WTF. If I don't have honey, chances are I haven't stockpiled corn syrup, and I certainly wouldn’t discriminate as to their colors! Weirdos.