Hey there...

I hate to cook. Unfortunately, due to society dictating gender roles, or simply the fact that my family may just become retarded the moment they step into the kitchen, or simply because there are times I want to eat and don't want to rely on frozen pizza, it falls to me to make meals. I'm creative, so I have come up with some interesting things to make that taste good, keep the family from openly weeping in hunger, and are super fast so I can get the hell out of the kitchen.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Stuffed Chicken Breast with Blank and Blank

AKA: OMG! I got roped into cooking for a bunch of freeloading guests!
 (See “Blank alerts” to figure out the blank and blank part)
This recipe is super easy and I’ve had many people truly believe I know what I’m doing in the kitchen after eating it. You can easily make it for one, two, or seven people (although if you’re cooking for seven people you are not slacking successfully).
Blank = a couple o’ things:
I say this because this is one of those recipes that you can mess around with to get different flavors. You cannot have this exclusively all week though. I tried that and was shut down pretty quickly by a family that can sometimes get wise to my wile-y dinner ways. 

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Salmon so great it’ll make you wanna SPAWN!

Salmon is expensive. I assume it’s because it takes a lot of money to get the camera crew out onto the ships for those stupid “I’m a big burley fisherman” reality shows. You know what’s frightening? Someone watches those shows. No clue whom, but if I meet one of them I’m going to slap them soundly on the forehead and hope it jostles the tiny bit of shriveled up matter they call a brain.
I digress… (As usual)
Salmon is expensive, so I really suggest that if you’re going to spend the money and the time to make a salmon dinner, you make it for you and your lover only (If your lover is also your spouse, KUDOS!). 
Seriously… this is one of the fastest/easiest dinners I know. The only reason it’s not made in my house more often is the cost of the fish.
I actually know a few ways to cook salmon. I find this fact distressing and I’ll tell you why; if you happen to inadvertently retain recipes in your head there are a couple of things that can happen… neither of them is good.
1.   People will expect you to be able to cook at a moment’s notice. Rather than being the one that couldn’t POSSIBLY be called upon to help in the kitchen, or to cook a dish for a church function (HA!!), you become the one that can be trusted around sharp kitchen implements and huge burn-ey hot stove thingies. THIS IS BAD! You’ll have to duck requests for cooking help all the time, and there’s only so many times you can claim to have projectile leprosy in one year without looking stupid.

2.   You give up valuable brain real estate. You need all the memory retention space you can get as you get older. Filling your brain up with something as ridiculous as recipes is just a waste of space. Space that could be used for important things like where you left your keys, what you told your spouse you paid for the new shoes so that if asked you can instantly recall that little whopper or my personal favorite, where exactly is that “Safe Place” you keep putting important crap that you can’t seem to find to save your life.. But at least you know its ‘safe’. (I keep all important crap in a safe place. The problem is its safe from me, too. Little bag of sucky right there, I’ll tell you.)
OK... So… here’s a little ‘Choose Your Own Cooking Adventure' game I’ve come up with. Wee! Cooking is FUN! YAAAY.

(Told you... make a game out of it or you’ll want to beat yourself to death with a wooden spork)
Choose the applicable answer below and proceed to the area it tells you to...
a.    I have about 45 minutes to make dinner and I’m feeling domestic right now:
·         Must have Salmon, Seafood Stuffing (available at most fish counters in your local grocery store), a bag-O-salad and a tube-O-bread.

b.    I have about 30 minutes to make dinner and get me the hell out of the kitchen. (I CHOOSE RECIPE B!)
·         Must have Salmon, Ranch Dressing/Miracle Whip, Bag O salad, Tube O bread.

c.    I have about 15 minutes to make dinner, I hate you and all people that make me feel the need to cook for these ungrateful wretches I call family members.
·         Must have salmon, Ranch Dressing/Miracle Whip and a bag O salad.

Monday, March 1, 2010

What a Crock! Crock-Pot Beef Barley Stew Meal

Let me start off by saying that over the years my mother had told me I need a Crock-pot. Not only did she tell me I needed one, (In that tone only a mom convinced of her infallible advice, can use.) but each time she came to my home and I DIDN’T have a Crock-pot, she would show up the next time with one. Usually a used one she got at a yard sale. This went on for years. Years of me waiting till she left the house to grumble, complain and heft poor Mr. Used Crock-Pot out to my car and to the nearest Salvation Army (They apparently need many, many Crock-Pots to survive.)
Recently I decided to try one. I had to buy one (at a thrift store) because I had finally shown my mother that I was not going to be lured into being a Crock-Pot fan-girl, no matter what she did. Trust me... the irony was not lost on me. Neither was the $5 I had to spend to get my own dull brown and gold cooking vessel which I’ve recently upgraded. (BTW… I have a free gold and dull brown Crock-Pot if anyone wants it. I’m a damn hoarder, I swear.)
If you hate to cook, buy one of these suckers. I swear, it doesn’t instantly turn you into a domestic house frau.
Here’s my number one Crock-Pot dinner cop out that your rotten family will more than appreciate. As a matter of fact, they’ll love it and probably do one of the following;
a)   Sing you songs.
b)   Pick you flowers.
c)   Compose sonnets to your greatness.
d)   Hoist you to their shoulders and carry you round and round while cheering and throwing pastel colored confetti.
(Or they’ll say  ... “yeah... that was pretty good... Gotta go tweet some crap about stuff and junk.”)