Hey there...

I hate to cook. Unfortunately, due to society dictating gender roles, or simply the fact that my family may just become retarded the moment they step into the kitchen, or simply because there are times I want to eat and don't want to rely on frozen pizza, it falls to me to make meals. I'm creative, so I have come up with some interesting things to make that taste good, keep the family from openly weeping in hunger, and are super fast so I can get the hell out of the kitchen.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It's Hot... Let me bare my Breast and Toss your Salad!

Alrighty. It's been a bit, but I figured I'd post a great Summertime staple. The Uber-cool salad and our old friend Chicken Breast. No cooking. No hot oven. No battling the huge incendiary device sitting outside of your home. Perfect for 90 degree days.

This is super easy, and you can make it a bit snazzier with a few little extras.

  • Step one: Go to the store.Smile happily as you drive, smug in the knowledge that you're going to make something Oh so healthy. You're healthy. You're obviously a healthfood nut, really. You're probably far prettier and smarter than most people, you know. I'm willing to bet that you could a... CRAP!! Don't hit the stupid kid with his pants half way down his ass while driving. This could put a kink in your evening.

  • Step Two: No matter how much you want to, do NOT go straight to the frozen food isle and buy frozen pizza and ice cream cake. Seriously.

Stuff you need to have:

1. A bagged salad. Preferably one that says "Spring Mix". This mix has all sorts of odd looking greenery. Some kinda purplish stuff, frilly looking stuff, and odd shapes. This is good. Why? It will baffle the people you're serving it to. Also, you can make yourself look OH so knowledgeable since the bag should have an ingredients list. You don't have to actually know which is which.. who's gonna check up to see if you lied? No one... No one that will survive that is.

2. A rotisserie chicken. Almost all grocery stores have these little beauties. Brown, Aromatic, juicy, and NOM NOM worthy. Personally, I have fits of drooling in the car on my way home from the grocery store from the amazing smell of these things.

3. Salad Dressing.


This is what I do, I do it because I like the taste, and my family believes I'm the most awesome salad maker ever... and I want to foster that belief.

  1. Aurora Salad Fixin's : I buy this at Hannafords, but I'm sure you can find it on Amazon, etc. It includes the following super yummy thingies: Dried Cranberries, sugar, sunflower oil, honey, sesame stix, soybean oil, sesamed seeds, salt, beet powder, slivered almonds, pepitas, raw hulled sunflower kernels. (Me and my family hate the sesame stix. They're gross.. but easily removable. I would say this really makes the salad. Try it out sometime.
  2. Fresh Veggies: Ok.. I'm no Martha.. but when the weather here in NH allows I drive out to the local farm stand and buy very fresh, tasty veggies.Pick and choose which you like to use;
    1.  Snow Peas (shell the peas and toss'em in)
    2. Mushrooms
    3. Tomatoes
    4. Black Olives (sliced)
    5. Red Onions
    6. Carrot
    7. Cucumbers (sliced super thin)
  3. Fresh Fruit: My personal favorite is Grapes. I buy green grapes, cut them in half, and toss'em in. Super great! I occationally toss in sliced strawberries, as well. 
  4. Craisins: Honestly. Craisins make EVERYTHING taste awesome. I know there are dried cranberries in the Aurora Salad Fixin's, but not enough. I toss a few more on in the end.
  5. Lastly, most importantly to me, Feta Cheese.
K.. here's what you do for a dinner for two.

Get two pasta dishes. If you're like me and don't have them, do what I did... Go to yard sales til you can find some pasta dishes that cost about $1.00 each. Who cares if they're chipped. 


Open the rotisserie chicken.

Remove the chicken and carve the sucker up. I can't help you here, really. I have no idea how I'm supposed to cut it up, but I rip, tear, cut, grunt, whine, and look very put out over this portion so I feel that I've done a sufficient amount of work. in the end, I have most all the meat off the chicken on on a plate. I *accidentally* drop some chicken while doing this. This appeases my gigantic cat, Grayson.

Grayson is 17 lbs of sweet, gentle cat. He was a stray that we adopted. Apparently poor Grayson was 'thrown away'. When he was found and taken in, his teeth had been broken, he was badly matted, sick and only about 10 lbs. We brought Grayson home, named him "Admiral Grayson Thurston Taylor the third" Grayson is a darling. Sleeping on his back most of the time, letting his enormous belly air out. He's really not "fat", his just huge. He can actually knock my 20 year old daughter over when he jumps up at her. Anyway.. he's gained weight and we've all fallen in love with the little man, and I tend to accidentally drop chicken whenever I have some on hand.

K.. enough gratuitous kitty talk.

Once you have taken the chicken off the bones, put the entire buch of bones and such into a plastic shopping bag and tie it up. Toss it in yet another plastic bag and tie that one. Stuff it into your trash waay at the bottom. Cover the trash barrel.. put the trash barrel outside. Why? Cats will get to it. Cats, mice, rats, badgers, curmudgeony llamas... you never know. Why take the chance, right?


Open the bag of salad.

Wash the bag of salad (see ‘open’ first, don’t wash the actual salad bag. That would earn you a ‘FoodTarded’ award.)

Bagged salad is super easy, BUT... clean the stuff before eating. I saw this thing on TV once about how they’ve found rodent feces in bagged salad. Is it true? NO FUCKING CLUE!! BUT SWEET TAP-DANCING CHRIST! RAT FECES!! Ok... yeah... so dump the salad in a strainer and use the sink sprayer doo-hicky to clean it really well.

Stick cleaned salad into the bowls.


Clean which ever veggies you've decided to use. Really wash them, please. I'll wait. HAY! No just running them under the tap for 3.4 seconds. That does NOT clean them.  Grab a paper towel, get it good n' wet and actually clean each vegetable. Dry each veggie, too. (This is important... you don't want the veggies to start getting brown too quickly)

***Veggie Hint!
  • If you're using Mushrooms I'd like to give you a quick hint. Don't wash all the mushrooms and put them back into their little styrofoam coffin. Your mushrooms will go bad quickly. Take out the amount of mushrooms you're planning on using, wash them, dry them, then cut them. If you happen to have any mushroom leftover and want to keep it, wrap it in a paper towel. Place all remaining mushrooms into a paper bag. Not plastic, not clear.. regular old paper bag and roll it closed. Keep it in the veggie drawer in your fridge. This will keep your veggies longer. Any time you have veggies in your fridge in bags, place a paper towel in with them. Helps lower the humidity in the bag.

Cut all veggies. I use very small slices. I like it a wee bit better. But feel free to make'em chunky.

Add everything (Veggies, Fruit, Feta, Salad Fixin's) into the salad. (except a small bit of dried cranberry) Personally, I try and make sure that the colors are pretty. Don't add tomatoes first, add them last.. why? Red on green is pretty.

Add chicken slices on top. I use nice thick breast meat slices.

Add the bit of Cranberry (this looks pretty!)

Drizzle whatever dressing you plan on using. Ranch is super yummy, but if you want to actually be healthy try a nice Balsamic vinaigrette.

***Dietary/Nutritional Hint!

Balsamic has anti-bacterial and anti-viral properties which make it an effective remedy for treating infections and contains powerful antioxidant called poly-phenols which fight cell damage and boost our immune system. The antioxidant in balsamic have also the potential to protect against heart disease, cancer, and other inflammatory conditions. Need more convincing? Balsamic may help control diabetes. Study suggests that by adding as little as five teaspoons of the vinegar with a meal can improve insulin sensitivity. Better insulin sensitivity means better diabetes control and lowered risk of dangerous complications.

    * Balsamic can reduce cholesterol level.
    * Balsamic antioxidant may slow the aging process.
    * Balsamic reduces the frequency of headaches.
    * Balsamic contains important minerals that can strengthen the bones.
    * Balsamic can help prevent anemia and fatigue.
    * Balsamic can help suppress appetite and therefore an aid in controlling weight.

Last thing, toss the Craisins on the top.

Put a wee bit of pepper on the top. It's tasty.

[Call me Martha and I'll punch you in the throat!: K... I am loath to tell anyone this, but I have an herb garden. Why? Befreakin'cuz! You want a really good salad and you have an herb garden? Toss on the following: Chives, Dill, Thyme and Mint. Yeah, Mint. You'll be shocked as to how great your salad will be. It's no longer some simple little salad, it's a culinary masterpiece. Which means what? YOU GET TO DEMAND PRESENTS, LOVE, KISSES, AND WORSHIP BECAUSE YOU CREATED SOMETHING SO AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL! Remember.. that's the entire point of this exercise.]

Monday, March 15, 2010

Stuffed Chicken Breast with Blank and Blank

AKA: OMG! I got roped into cooking for a bunch of freeloading guests!
 (See “Blank alerts” to figure out the blank and blank part)
This recipe is super easy and I’ve had many people truly believe I know what I’m doing in the kitchen after eating it. You can easily make it for one, two, or seven people (although if you’re cooking for seven people you are not slacking successfully).
Blank = a couple o’ things:
I say this because this is one of those recipes that you can mess around with to get different flavors. You cannot have this exclusively all week though. I tried that and was shut down pretty quickly by a family that can sometimes get wise to my wile-y dinner ways. 

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Salmon so great it’ll make you wanna SPAWN!

Salmon is expensive. I assume it’s because it takes a lot of money to get the camera crew out onto the ships for those stupid “I’m a big burley fisherman” reality shows. You know what’s frightening? Someone watches those shows. No clue whom, but if I meet one of them I’m going to slap them soundly on the forehead and hope it jostles the tiny bit of shriveled up matter they call a brain.
I digress… (As usual)
Salmon is expensive, so I really suggest that if you’re going to spend the money and the time to make a salmon dinner, you make it for you and your lover only (If your lover is also your spouse, KUDOS!). 
Seriously… this is one of the fastest/easiest dinners I know. The only reason it’s not made in my house more often is the cost of the fish.
I actually know a few ways to cook salmon. I find this fact distressing and I’ll tell you why; if you happen to inadvertently retain recipes in your head there are a couple of things that can happen… neither of them is good.
1.   People will expect you to be able to cook at a moment’s notice. Rather than being the one that couldn’t POSSIBLY be called upon to help in the kitchen, or to cook a dish for a church function (HA!!), you become the one that can be trusted around sharp kitchen implements and huge burn-ey hot stove thingies. THIS IS BAD! You’ll have to duck requests for cooking help all the time, and there’s only so many times you can claim to have projectile leprosy in one year without looking stupid.

2.   You give up valuable brain real estate. You need all the memory retention space you can get as you get older. Filling your brain up with something as ridiculous as recipes is just a waste of space. Space that could be used for important things like where you left your keys, what you told your spouse you paid for the new shoes so that if asked you can instantly recall that little whopper or my personal favorite, where exactly is that “Safe Place” you keep putting important crap that you can’t seem to find to save your life.. But at least you know its ‘safe’. (I keep all important crap in a safe place. The problem is its safe from me, too. Little bag of sucky right there, I’ll tell you.)
OK... So… here’s a little ‘Choose Your Own Cooking Adventure' game I’ve come up with. Wee! Cooking is FUN! YAAAY.

(Told you... make a game out of it or you’ll want to beat yourself to death with a wooden spork)
Choose the applicable answer below and proceed to the area it tells you to...
a.    I have about 45 minutes to make dinner and I’m feeling domestic right now:
·         Must have Salmon, Seafood Stuffing (available at most fish counters in your local grocery store), a bag-O-salad and a tube-O-bread.

b.    I have about 30 minutes to make dinner and get me the hell out of the kitchen. (I CHOOSE RECIPE B!)
·         Must have Salmon, Ranch Dressing/Miracle Whip, Bag O salad, Tube O bread.

c.    I have about 15 minutes to make dinner, I hate you and all people that make me feel the need to cook for these ungrateful wretches I call family members.
·         Must have salmon, Ranch Dressing/Miracle Whip and a bag O salad.

Monday, March 1, 2010

What a Crock! Crock-Pot Beef Barley Stew Meal

Let me start off by saying that over the years my mother had told me I need a Crock-pot. Not only did she tell me I needed one, (In that tone only a mom convinced of her infallible advice, can use.) but each time she came to my home and I DIDN’T have a Crock-pot, she would show up the next time with one. Usually a used one she got at a yard sale. This went on for years. Years of me waiting till she left the house to grumble, complain and heft poor Mr. Used Crock-Pot out to my car and to the nearest Salvation Army (They apparently need many, many Crock-Pots to survive.)
Recently I decided to try one. I had to buy one (at a thrift store) because I had finally shown my mother that I was not going to be lured into being a Crock-Pot fan-girl, no matter what she did. Trust me... the irony was not lost on me. Neither was the $5 I had to spend to get my own dull brown and gold cooking vessel which I’ve recently upgraded. (BTW… I have a free gold and dull brown Crock-Pot if anyone wants it. I’m a damn hoarder, I swear.)
If you hate to cook, buy one of these suckers. I swear, it doesn’t instantly turn you into a domestic house frau.
Here’s my number one Crock-Pot dinner cop out that your rotten family will more than appreciate. As a matter of fact, they’ll love it and probably do one of the following;
a)   Sing you songs.
b)   Pick you flowers.
c)   Compose sonnets to your greatness.
d)   Hoist you to their shoulders and carry you round and round while cheering and throwing pastel colored confetti.
(Or they’ll say  ... “yeah... that was pretty good... Gotta go tweet some crap about stuff and junk.”)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Don't be a Pussy - Make Meatloaf, for Christsake.

Ok.. So you want to make something for dinner and you're positive that if you step into the kitchen you may just die. You won't,  (well, you will if there's a mass murderer hiding in there with a big stabby type knife, but let’s just say this isn't so for now .. and if it is, I freakin' warned you not to go in there) you’ll only want to. Make some meatloaf.
Now… Onto Meatloaf Meal!