Hey there...

I hate to cook. Unfortunately, due to society dictating gender roles, or simply the fact that my family may just become retarded the moment they step into the kitchen, or simply because there are times I want to eat and don't want to rely on frozen pizza, it falls to me to make meals. I'm creative, so I have come up with some interesting things to make that taste good, keep the family from openly weeping in hunger, and are super fast so I can get the hell out of the kitchen.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It's Hot... Let me bare my Breast and Toss your Salad!

Alrighty. It's been a bit, but I figured I'd post a great Summertime staple. The Uber-cool salad and our old friend Chicken Breast. No cooking. No hot oven. No battling the huge incendiary device sitting outside of your home. Perfect for 90 degree days.

This is super easy, and you can make it a bit snazzier with a few little extras.

  • Step one: Go to the store.Smile happily as you drive, smug in the knowledge that you're going to make something Oh so healthy. You're healthy. You're obviously a healthfood nut, really. You're probably far prettier and smarter than most people, you know. I'm willing to bet that you could a... CRAP!! Don't hit the stupid kid with his pants half way down his ass while driving. This could put a kink in your evening.

  • Step Two: No matter how much you want to, do NOT go straight to the frozen food isle and buy frozen pizza and ice cream cake. Seriously.

Stuff you need to have:

1. A bagged salad. Preferably one that says "Spring Mix". This mix has all sorts of odd looking greenery. Some kinda purplish stuff, frilly looking stuff, and odd shapes. This is good. Why? It will baffle the people you're serving it to. Also, you can make yourself look OH so knowledgeable since the bag should have an ingredients list. You don't have to actually know which is which.. who's gonna check up to see if you lied? No one... No one that will survive that is.

2. A rotisserie chicken. Almost all grocery stores have these little beauties. Brown, Aromatic, juicy, and NOM NOM worthy. Personally, I have fits of drooling in the car on my way home from the grocery store from the amazing smell of these things.

3. Salad Dressing.


This is what I do, I do it because I like the taste, and my family believes I'm the most awesome salad maker ever... and I want to foster that belief.

  1. Aurora Salad Fixin's : I buy this at Hannafords, but I'm sure you can find it on Amazon, etc. It includes the following super yummy thingies: Dried Cranberries, sugar, sunflower oil, honey, sesame stix, soybean oil, sesamed seeds, salt, beet powder, slivered almonds, pepitas, raw hulled sunflower kernels. (Me and my family hate the sesame stix. They're gross.. but easily removable. I would say this really makes the salad. Try it out sometime.
  2. Fresh Veggies: Ok.. I'm no Martha.. but when the weather here in NH allows I drive out to the local farm stand and buy very fresh, tasty veggies.Pick and choose which you like to use;
    1.  Snow Peas (shell the peas and toss'em in)
    2. Mushrooms
    3. Tomatoes
    4. Black Olives (sliced)
    5. Red Onions
    6. Carrot
    7. Cucumbers (sliced super thin)
  3. Fresh Fruit: My personal favorite is Grapes. I buy green grapes, cut them in half, and toss'em in. Super great! I occationally toss in sliced strawberries, as well. 
  4. Craisins: Honestly. Craisins make EVERYTHING taste awesome. I know there are dried cranberries in the Aurora Salad Fixin's, but not enough. I toss a few more on in the end.
  5. Lastly, most importantly to me, Feta Cheese.
K.. here's what you do for a dinner for two.

Get two pasta dishes. If you're like me and don't have them, do what I did... Go to yard sales til you can find some pasta dishes that cost about $1.00 each. Who cares if they're chipped. 


Open the rotisserie chicken.

Remove the chicken and carve the sucker up. I can't help you here, really. I have no idea how I'm supposed to cut it up, but I rip, tear, cut, grunt, whine, and look very put out over this portion so I feel that I've done a sufficient amount of work. in the end, I have most all the meat off the chicken on on a plate. I *accidentally* drop some chicken while doing this. This appeases my gigantic cat, Grayson.

Grayson is 17 lbs of sweet, gentle cat. He was a stray that we adopted. Apparently poor Grayson was 'thrown away'. When he was found and taken in, his teeth had been broken, he was badly matted, sick and only about 10 lbs. We brought Grayson home, named him "Admiral Grayson Thurston Taylor the third" Grayson is a darling. Sleeping on his back most of the time, letting his enormous belly air out. He's really not "fat", his just huge. He can actually knock my 20 year old daughter over when he jumps up at her. Anyway.. he's gained weight and we've all fallen in love with the little man, and I tend to accidentally drop chicken whenever I have some on hand.

K.. enough gratuitous kitty talk.

Once you have taken the chicken off the bones, put the entire buch of bones and such into a plastic shopping bag and tie it up. Toss it in yet another plastic bag and tie that one. Stuff it into your trash waay at the bottom. Cover the trash barrel.. put the trash barrel outside. Why? Cats will get to it. Cats, mice, rats, badgers, curmudgeony llamas... you never know. Why take the chance, right?


Open the bag of salad.

Wash the bag of salad (see ‘open’ first, don’t wash the actual salad bag. That would earn you a ‘FoodTarded’ award.)

Bagged salad is super easy, BUT... clean the stuff before eating. I saw this thing on TV once about how they’ve found rodent feces in bagged salad. Is it true? NO FUCKING CLUE!! BUT SWEET TAP-DANCING CHRIST! RAT FECES!! Ok... yeah... so dump the salad in a strainer and use the sink sprayer doo-hicky to clean it really well.

Stick cleaned salad into the bowls.


Clean which ever veggies you've decided to use. Really wash them, please. I'll wait. HAY! No just running them under the tap for 3.4 seconds. That does NOT clean them.  Grab a paper towel, get it good n' wet and actually clean each vegetable. Dry each veggie, too. (This is important... you don't want the veggies to start getting brown too quickly)

***Veggie Hint!
  • If you're using Mushrooms I'd like to give you a quick hint. Don't wash all the mushrooms and put them back into their little styrofoam coffin. Your mushrooms will go bad quickly. Take out the amount of mushrooms you're planning on using, wash them, dry them, then cut them. If you happen to have any mushroom leftover and want to keep it, wrap it in a paper towel. Place all remaining mushrooms into a paper bag. Not plastic, not clear.. regular old paper bag and roll it closed. Keep it in the veggie drawer in your fridge. This will keep your veggies longer. Any time you have veggies in your fridge in bags, place a paper towel in with them. Helps lower the humidity in the bag.

Cut all veggies. I use very small slices. I like it a wee bit better. But feel free to make'em chunky.

Add everything (Veggies, Fruit, Feta, Salad Fixin's) into the salad. (except a small bit of dried cranberry) Personally, I try and make sure that the colors are pretty. Don't add tomatoes first, add them last.. why? Red on green is pretty.

Add chicken slices on top. I use nice thick breast meat slices.

Add the bit of Cranberry (this looks pretty!)

Drizzle whatever dressing you plan on using. Ranch is super yummy, but if you want to actually be healthy try a nice Balsamic vinaigrette.

***Dietary/Nutritional Hint!

Balsamic has anti-bacterial and anti-viral properties which make it an effective remedy for treating infections and contains powerful antioxidant called poly-phenols which fight cell damage and boost our immune system. The antioxidant in balsamic have also the potential to protect against heart disease, cancer, and other inflammatory conditions. Need more convincing? Balsamic may help control diabetes. Study suggests that by adding as little as five teaspoons of the vinegar with a meal can improve insulin sensitivity. Better insulin sensitivity means better diabetes control and lowered risk of dangerous complications.

    * Balsamic can reduce cholesterol level.
    * Balsamic antioxidant may slow the aging process.
    * Balsamic reduces the frequency of headaches.
    * Balsamic contains important minerals that can strengthen the bones.
    * Balsamic can help prevent anemia and fatigue.
    * Balsamic can help suppress appetite and therefore an aid in controlling weight.

Last thing, toss the Craisins on the top.

Put a wee bit of pepper on the top. It's tasty.

[Call me Martha and I'll punch you in the throat!: K... I am loath to tell anyone this, but I have an herb garden. Why? Befreakin'cuz! You want a really good salad and you have an herb garden? Toss on the following: Chives, Dill, Thyme and Mint. Yeah, Mint. You'll be shocked as to how great your salad will be. It's no longer some simple little salad, it's a culinary masterpiece. Which means what? YOU GET TO DEMAND PRESENTS, LOVE, KISSES, AND WORSHIP BECAUSE YOU CREATED SOMETHING SO AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL! Remember.. that's the entire point of this exercise.]