Hey there...

I hate to cook. Unfortunately, due to society dictating gender roles, or simply the fact that my family may just become retarded the moment they step into the kitchen, or simply because there are times I want to eat and don't want to rely on frozen pizza, it falls to me to make meals. I'm creative, so I have come up with some interesting things to make that taste good, keep the family from openly weeping in hunger, and are super fast so I can get the hell out of the kitchen.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Don't be a Pussy - Make Meatloaf, for Christsake.


Ok.. So you want to make something for dinner and you're positive that if you step into the kitchen you may just die. You won't,  (well, you will if there's a mass murderer hiding in there with a big stabby type knife, but let’s just say this isn't so for now .. and if it is, I freakin' warned you not to go in there) you’ll only want to. Make some meatloaf.
Now… Onto Meatloaf Meal!

I’m going to put all the items you’ll need so you can determine if you can make this right away, rather than hunting & pecking through to see if you need anything.
1.   Ground beef
2.   1 egg
3.   Breadcrumbs
4.   Sweet Baby Ray BBQ sauce
5.   Ketchup
6.   *Spicey stuff (onion salt, salt, pepper, celery salt, cheapo all spice stuff, dill weed)
7.   Pillsbury Italian Bread tube
8.   Can of veggies
9.   4 small-ish red potatoes or 2 medium-ish regular potatoes
10.                Butter or margarine
Other stuff needed;
1.   Pan for meatloaf, I prefer glass Pyrex dish
2.   *Sauce pan
3.   Rubbermaid microwavable dish with cover OR regular little mixing bowl and something to cover it with.
4.   Cookie sheet
5.   Tin foil
6.   *Pam Cooking Spray (or something like it)
7.   Hands
(* means that you should have something like this.. feel free to omit or exchange or whathaveyou)
Preheat oven to 350.
[MEATLOAF]
·         1 lb of ground beef - I suggest the 85% lean, and I also suggest that if you're anything like me you read the label to make sure that it's not ground beef that's been sitting in your fridge since last May.. because that's not only going to taste rather bad, but could make your family sick, and then you'll have to take care of them.. and probably cook broth or something vile like that. 
·         1/4 cup of barbeque sauce (I like Sweet Baby Rays)
·         1/4 cup of Ketchup
·         A bunch of shakes of the following spices; Some cheapo all spice type mixture, celery salt, salt, pepper
·         1 egg
·         1/2 cup breadcrumbs (typically I like the Italian seasoned ones)

Put everything in a bowl. (Crack the egg, btw… no trying to save time by thinking the shell will add some 'texture'.)
Mix it.   (wait wait… see the hint below before mixing this!)
**HINT**
Get everything INTO the bowl, have ready the following;      Nail brush      Dawn dishwashing liquid      Towel.
1.   Turn on the tap till the water is hot, shut off the water.
2.   Dump a wee bit of the dawn into the bottom of the sink somewhere it won't immediately drip into the drain.
3.   Take off all rings
4.   Plunge your hands into the bowl, mashing and mashing all the junk you just put in there into one huge ball of mush. Get the spices, egg, et all mushed up together nice and good.
5.   Pick up the mush, toss it into a glass Pyrex pan (I use the smaller square one.. hmm.. 8 x 6 or something) and use your fingers to mush it into the corners and all nice and flat.
6.   Use your wrist to turn the water on (should be pretty hot still)
7.   Wipe your hand over the Dawn on the bottom of the sink and wash up.
8.   Once most of the ick is off your hands you can grab the nail brush and get under your nails (cus seriously.. GROSS!)
9.   Dry off and you're good to go. 
Put it in pan.
Put a bit of bbq sauce on the top, along with some ketchup, perhaps a wee bit of the breadcrumbs and, if you really want to get fancy-shmancy, a bit of parmesan cheese if you happen to have some.
***No oven yet.. ***
[BREAD]
Take out a cookie sheet. (Personally I go for the foil cookie sheets, 3 for $2.49 at the grocery store, cus you can toss them out if you happen to get stuff stuck on them that you don't wanna clean) Cover in tinfoil (Trust me, I'm making your life easier... recycle other stuff and stop being a martyr in the kitchen, k?) 
Spray with one quick spray of Pam cooking spray.
Open the French Bread and follow instructions on the French bread cover (that's if you haven't ripped the instructions all to hell while attempting to pull it off the tube)
Put the bread in the oven.
Put the meatloaf in the oven.
Set the timer for 30 minutes.

***You're not done yet, cupcake!**
[POTATOES]
I choose red potatoes cus they're pretty and make me feel all Martha like.
Cut into pieces… usually like..hmm.. [-------------------------------] this wide by [-----------------] this wide.
Put into a microwave safe Rubbermaid container if you have one with a cover, if not, just into a bowl covered with some wax paper.
***HINT***
Don't cover it with Plastic Cling Wrap or Press & Seal (which I love) cus it'll melt. I swear it. It's gross... I know this because I keep forgetting this little gem of wisdom and have had to pull melted Press & Seal off my bowls several times. I don't really share this with the family since they may think "Hmm.. I may have eaten some press and seal! My mother is psychotic! She's trying to kill me!"... no no.... not true. The stuff doesn't melt into the potatoes, just onto the bowl.. but considering the amount of times I've messed with them, they'll think I'm totally lying, so I just keep this little blurp to myself. 
I digress…
Put the potatoes into the bowl,
Add butter, a few tablespoons. (I say BUTTER cus it tastes best, but honestly, if you prefer margarine that works too.) 
Shake some of the following spicey stuff; Garlic salt, Onion salt, Dill weed (which always sounds like an insult to me. Shaddap, ya Dillweed!)
Put into microwave for 5 minutes at 50% power. (Depending on your microwave you may have to fiddle with these times. MY microwave Jim -yes I named him Jim- anyway... Jim has a "potato" button. I push once for one potato, twice for two potatoes... so on. As far as I can tell it cooks one potato at about 50% power for about 5 minutes.)
Go out into the living room and complain about how much work you're doing. 
When the potatoes are done, check them. Poke them a bit with something stabby… a knife, a fork, a finger.. if they all seem pretty soft, yay.. you're done. Put the cover back on and stick them into the Jim to keep warm. If not, add more time. OH.. Mix'em up before putting them back in the Jim, though.
Now... you should still have about 20 minutes on the timer.
[VEGGIES]
Open a can of veggies. Whatever is your favorite.
Put into a small sauce pan.
Set a separate timer (one on the Jim or perhaps your cell or something) for 5 minutes BEFORE the oven timer is going to go off. 
~~~Cooking Interlude~~~
Go play Wii Fit or read or contemplate the difference between gender roles and gender rolls
OR
Here’s a little child rearing story from me (and please... there is a HUGE difference between Child Rearing and Child *rearing*. NEVER get these confused. When I say child rearing, I mean the raising of children. When Bart the leather vest wearing drunk at the 7-11 says child rearing.. he means something different.. and you should flee.)
WereGuppies
When my daughter was very little, oh...two, I think, we lived in a crappy garden style apartment. You know, the cookie cutter type every married (way too young because the girl got knocked up) couple ends up living in. We had the prerequisite sliding door in our living room that went out to a little 6x4 concrete slab patio. Behind our apartment was a big muddy river. The river didn't have a nice gentle slope down to its shore, it was a sharp downward angle covered in briars and brambles.
My daughter was a 'wanderer'. Some may say she was simply trying to escape my cooking... but I prefer to believe she just had an adventurous spirit. She also had NO fear of water. None. I was terrified she'd slip out, go to the river and attempt a swim. SO... being a creative type mommy, I told her many a story of the terrifying WereGuppies that lived in that river. "Never... NEVER go near that river without a mommy or daddy. Mommy’s and daddy’s frighten Wereguppies... Children alone are often eaten by them. They're horrible little swimming beasts, and their favorite meal is little girl! Ooooh... scary stuff there, my friend. Scare–ee stuff!”
This kept my little wanderer away from the river. As she got older we moved away from the river and she learned to swim like a fish, so the wereguppies were forgotten. By me, anyway. 
Eighteen years later I get a phone call from my daughter. She's on her cellphone at Petsmart. She's mad. Wait…Not mad... she's STEAMED AND PISSED. 
Chelsea:
"MOM!!! WTF!?"
Me:
"Umm... huh?"
Chelsea:
"I'm at Petsmart. They have GUPPIES here. GUPPIES ARE TINY!!"
Me:
"Yes. Let’s add that to Wikipedia!"
Chelsea:
"GUPPIES mom! AS IN WEREGUPPIES!"
Me:
:::Laughing::: "You remember that?! Ohmygosh.. I had forgotten about that. That was so funny!"
Chelsea:
::::Not laughing.. not one bit:::: "Yeah. I remember it. I spent my entire life afraid of guppies. I WAS AFRAID OF A 1/2 INCH FISH!"
Me:
"Oh no baby.. you were afraid of a fictional 1/2 in fish. Wereguppies are way scarier than a real guppy. Which is why it kept my 2 year old from plunging headfirst into a river and getting all dead".
Chelsea:
"You totally suck!" 
Me:
"I know, baby. I know."
She's still mad about it. She's 20 years old and if I bring up guppies or wereguppies she gets all pinched and irritated. It's still amuses me to this day. I love going to the lake with her. Hehe.
Ok then. Back to the hellish pit called Kitchen.
Once your “5 minutes before” timer goes off, go in and turn the burner on under the veggies. Turn it up pretty high.. hmm.. med/high-ish - high.
Add 40 seconds on the Jim to warm up the taters. 
Get out the plates/silverware and set the table or floor or where ever you choose to eat.
This part is VERY important: Go out into the living room and sigh out a long suffering sigh. Tell them dinner will be done in just a few minutes.
**BEEEEP-SES**
Take out the bread.. put it on the cutting board... cut it all up, toss it on the plates or if you're feeling wicked fancy, into a predetermined breadbasket lined with paper towels.
Take out the Meatloaf (SHUT OFF THE OVEN) and sit it on a trivet. 
Take out the potatoes and mix'em up.
Put stuff on the plates. Once all the stuff is on the plates THEN put the veggies on the plate. Veggies cool off at a rate of 100% faster than everything else. It's some weird science crap or something.
Serve it to your unappreciative family.
All in all, this meal takes about 15 minutes prep time start to finish, and about 1.2 hour cook time. It comes out really good and the family won't know that it really doesn't take much effort, really. Make them clean up. Seriously… Make them. You just worked wicked hard and gave them nourishment. Plus, if you have kids you carried them IN YOUR BODY for 9 months! They can clean a damn plate!

:)

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