Cooking Bites

It's Hot... Let me bare my Breast and Toss your Salad!

2010-07-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

Alrighty. It's been a bit, but I figured I'd post a great Summertime staple. The Uber-cool salad and our old friend Chicken Breast. No cooking. No hot oven. No battling the huge incendiary device sitting outside of your home. Perfect for 90 degree days.

This is super easy, and you can make it a bit snazzier with a few little extras.

Step one: Go to the store.Smile happily as you drive, smug in the knowledge that you're going to make something Oh so healthy. You're healthy. You're obviously a healthfood nut, really. You're probably far prettier and smarter than most people, you know. I'm willing to bet that you could a... CRAP!! Don't hit the stupid kid with his pants half way down his ass while driving. This could put a kink in your evening.

Step Two: No matter how much you want to, do NOT go straight to the frozen food isle and buy frozen pizza and ice cream cake. Seriously.

Stuff you need to have:

1. A bagged salad. Preferably one that says "Spring Mix". This mix has all sorts of odd looking greenery. Some kinda purplish stuff, frilly looking stuff, and odd shapes. This is good. Why? It will baffle the people you're serving it to. Also, you can make yourself look OH so knowledgeable since the bag should have an ingredients list. You don't have to actually know which is which.. who's gonna check up to see if you lied? No one... No one that will survive that is.

2. A rotisserie chicken. Almost all grocery stores have these little beauties. Brown, Aromatic, juicy, and NOM NOM worthy. Personally, I have fits of drooling in the car on my way home from the grocery store from the amazing smell of these things.

3. Salad Dressing.

[OPTIONAL STUFF THAT WILL MAKE YOUR SALAD AFREAKIN'MAZING.]

This is what I do, I do it because I like the taste, and my family believes I'm the most awesome salad maker ever... and I want to foster that belief.

Aurora Salad Fixin's : I buy this at Hannafords, but I'm sure you can find it on Amazon, etc. It includes the following super yummy thingies: Dried Cranberries, sugar, sunflower oil, honey, sesame stix, soybean oil, sesamed seeds, salt, beet powder, slivered almonds, pepitas, raw hulled sunflower kernels. (Me and my family hate the sesame stix. They're gross.. but easily removable. I would say this really makes the salad. Try it out sometime.
Fresh Veggies: Ok.. I'm no Martha.. but when the weather here in NH allows I drive out to the local farm stand and buy very fresh, tasty veggies.Pick and choose which you like to use;

Snow Peas (shell the peas and toss'em in)
Mushrooms
Tomatoes
Black Olives (sliced)
Red Onions
Carrot
Cucumbers (sliced super thin)

Fresh Fruit: My personal favorite is Grapes. I buy green grapes, cut them in half, and toss'em in. Super great! I occationally toss in sliced strawberries, as well.
Craisins: Honestly. Craisins make EVERYTHING taste awesome. I know there are dried cranberries in the Aurora Salad Fixin's, but not enough. I toss a few more on in the end.
Lastly, most importantly to me, Feta Cheese.

K.. here's what you do for a dinner for two.

Get two pasta dishes. If you're like me and don't have them, do what I did... Go to yard sales til you can find some pasta dishes that cost about $1.00 each. Who cares if they're chipped.

[CHICKEN]

Open the rotisserie chicken.

Remove the chicken and carve the sucker up. I can't help you here, really. I have no idea how I'm supposed to cut it up, but I rip, tear, cut, grunt, whine, and look very put out over this portion so I feel that I've done a sufficient amount of work. in the end, I have most all the meat off the chicken on on a plate. I *accidentally* drop some chicken while doing this. This appeases my gigantic cat, Grayson.

Grayson is 17 lbs of sweet, gentle cat. He was a stray that we adopted. Apparently poor Grayson was 'thrown away'. When he was found and taken in, his teeth had been broken, he was badly matted, sick and only about 10 lbs. We brought Grayson home, named him "Admiral Grayson Thurston Taylor the third" Grayson is a darling. Sleeping on his back most of the time, letting his enormous belly air out. He's really not "fat", his just huge. He can actually knock my 20 year old daughter over when he jumps up at her. Anyway.. he's gained weight and we've all fallen in love with the little man, and I tend to accidentally drop chicken whenever I have some on hand.

K.. enough gratuitous kitty talk.

Once you have taken the chicken off the bones, put the entire buch of bones and such into a plastic shopping bag and tie it up. Toss it in yet another plastic bag and tie that one. Stuff it into your trash waay at the bottom. Cover the trash barrel.. put the trash barrel outside. Why? Cats will get to it. Cats, mice, rats, badgers, curmudgeony llamas... you never know. Why take the chance, right?

[SALAD]

Open the bag of salad.

Wash the bag of salad (see ‘open’ first, don’t wash the actual salad bag. That would earn you a ‘FoodTarded’ award.)

Bagged salad is super easy, BUT... clean the stuff before eating. I saw this thing on TV once about how they’ve found rodent feces in bagged salad. Is it true? NO FUCKING CLUE!! BUT SWEET TAP-DANCING CHRIST! RAT FECES!! Ok... yeah... so dump the salad in a strainer and use the sink sprayer doo-hicky to clean it really well.

Stick cleaned salad into the bowls.

[VEGGIES]

Clean which ever veggies you've decided to use. Really wash them, please. I'll wait. HAY! No just running them under the tap for 3.4 seconds. That does NOT clean them. Grab a paper towel, get it good n' wet and actually clean each vegetable. Dry each veggie, too. (This is important... you don't want the veggies to start getting brown too quickly)

***Veggie Hint!

If you're using Mushrooms I'd like to give you a quick hint. Don't wash all the mushrooms and put them back into their little styrofoam coffin. Your mushrooms will go bad quickly. Take out the amount of mushrooms you're planning on using, wash them, dry them, then cut them. If you happen to have any mushroom leftover and want to keep it, wrap it in a paper towel. Place all remaining mushrooms into a paper bag. Not plastic, not clear.. regular old paper bag and roll it closed. Keep it in the veggie drawer in your fridge. This will keep your veggies longer. Any time you have veggies in your fridge in bags, place a paper towel in with them. Helps lower the humidity in the bag.

Cut all veggies. I use very small slices. I like it a wee bit better. But feel free to make'em chunky.

Add everything (Veggies, Fruit, Feta, Salad Fixin's) into the salad. (except a small bit of dried cranberry) Personally, I try and make sure that the colors are pretty. Don't add tomatoes first, add them last.. why? Red on green is pretty.

Add chicken slices on top. I use nice thick breast meat slices.

Add the bit of Cranberry (this looks pretty!)

Drizzle whatever dressing you plan on using. Ranch is super yummy, but if you want to actually be healthy try a nice Balsamic vinaigrette.

***Dietary/Nutritional Hint!

Balsamic has anti-bacterial and anti-viral properties which make it an effective remedy for treating infections and contains powerful antioxidant called poly-phenols which fight cell damage and boost our immune system. The antioxidant in balsamic have also the potential to protect against heart disease, cancer, and other inflammatory conditions. Need more convincing? Balsamic may help control diabetes. Study suggests that by adding as little as five teaspoons of the vinegar with a meal can improve insulin sensitivity. Better insulin sensitivity means better diabetes control and lowered risk of dangerous complications.

    * Balsamic can reduce cholesterol level.
    * Balsamic antioxidant may slow the aging process.
    * Balsamic reduces the frequency of headaches.
    * Balsamic contains important minerals that can strengthen the bones.
    * Balsamic can help prevent anemia and fatigue.
    * Balsamic can help suppress appetite and therefore an aid in controlling weight.

Last thing, toss the Craisins on the top.

Put a wee bit of pepper on the top. It's tasty.

[Call me Martha and I'll punch you in the throat!: K... I am loath to tell anyone this, but I have an herb garden. Why? Befreakin'cuz! You want a really good salad and you have an herb garden? Toss on the following: Chives, Dill, Thyme and Mint. Yeah, Mint. You'll be shocked as to how great your salad will be. It's no longer some simple little salad, it's a culinary masterpiece. Which means what? YOU GET TO DEMAND PRESENTS, LOVE, KISSES, AND WORSHIP BECAUSE YOU CREATED SOMETHING SO AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL! Remember.. that's the entire point of this exercise.]

Stuffed Chicken Breast with Blank and Blank

2010-03-15T10:36:00.001-07:00

AKA: OMG! I got roped into cooking for a bunch of freeloading guests!

(See “Blank alerts” to figure out the blank and blank part)

This recipe is super easy and I’ve had many people truly believe I know what I’m doing in the kitchen after eating it. You can easily make it for one, two, or seven people (although if you’re cooking for seven people you are not slacking successfully).

Blank = a couple o’ things:

I say this because this is one of those recipes that you can mess around with to get different flavors. You cannot have this exclusively all week though. I tried that and was shut down pretty quickly by a family that can sometimes get wise to my wile-y dinner ways.

Stuff you need to have:

1. 3 chicken booby halves. (or the same number of however many people you have to feed)

2. 1 can of Cream of mushroom soup. (1 can per 4 half breasts, or two whole ones, or 8 quarters… do the math.)
[BLANK ALERT!!] OR Cream of Chicken, Celery, Or other creamy type soup stuff.

3. 1 & ½ cups of Stove Top type Instant Stuffing. (1/2 cup of stuffing per boob)

4. ½ cup of sliced water chestnuts. - You’ll find these usually in the veggie isle... cus’ some moronic bugger named it a NUT, but really it’s a veggie... which is good source of dietary fiber, riboflavin, vitamin B6, potassium, copper, and manganese. ** Good to know... Why? Cus’ then you sound smart and like you care about what you put into your body as well as the bodies of the people you’re feeding.
[BLANK ALERT!!!] Or Apple slices, which tastes really good when using the Mushroom soup, or actual mushrooms, celery, or raisins. Personally, I really like apples and raisins added in, but it freaks some people out.

5. *1/2 cup of white wine, any kind will do.

6. Pepper/Salt

7. Bag O Salad

8. Tube-O-bread (Pillsbury Italian Bread)

*Nice to have, but not totally needed

Other stuff needed:

1. Glass pan (Pyrex type)

2. Cookie Sheet covered w/Tin Foil

3. Tin foil

4. Toothpicks

5. A Meat Mallet, or *something hard and bappy you don’t mind beating the crap outta something with.

6. Hands

7. Cutting board (HINT: Wrap the cutting board in Press & Seal for this one… quicker cleanup)

8. *If you don’t have a mallet and you use something hard and bappy, such as a soup can, hammer, hard plastic mug or a rock, it’s a good idea to place some waxed paper over the meat. So… having waxed paper or even some old cloth is a good idea, but not utterly necessary.

Preheat oven to 400.

[STUFFING]

Make the stuffing according to the directions on the box of stuffing mix. Typically I say add a wee bit more butter than it says to.

Add the Water Chestnuts (or apples/raisins/celery/mushrooms)

Mix all together

Set aside.

[CHICKEN]

(First, if I haven’t said this before, channel your inner OCD’r… Rinse chicken with cold water and pat dry with paper towels before preparing so you don’t end up eating something that will make you have the liquid poop.)

The following needs to be done for each chicken breast. Yes, all of them. Don’t leave some of them undone, hoping your guests will not notice. They will. They’ll be perplexed, yes. They may not SAY they notice, but they will. Unless of course one of your guests is really stupid. Then I say just slip them some cat food and be on your way. Although why you have stupid people over for dinner is beyond me. WAIT… unless that’s because you’re having them over as a form of entertainment! That would make funny, funny sense. Or perhaps you plan on playing toss food at the stupid person’s face during dinner... which I guess would be listed under “entertainment” so never mind. Anyway…

Breast Augmentation: Beat the crap out of the chicken. Place the chicken breast onto the cutting board; use the smooth portion of the mallet to beat the chicken flat. Not paper thin, but approximately ½ inch thick. Put aside till all chicken is beaten and taught a lesson. (Seriously... it was just askin’ for it!)

Spray a wee bit of PAM into the bottom of your pan (again, glass Pyrex dishes rock)

Lay out one of the defeated/humiliated chicken boobs on your cutting board and spoon in a good amount of the stuffing. You want to be able to have the two ends of the chicken be able to meet.

i.e: (one end of chicken) ß----(STUFFING)----à (other end of chicken)

Fold over the chicken the long way and use a tooth pick to secure the ends together.

Put the chicken into the Pyrex dish and continue to do this to each poor tortured breast until they’re all done and sitting snuggly into the dish.

There may be some stuffing mix left. If so, place into the dish around the chicken pieces.

Open the soup and mix with the ½ cup of white wine. If you don’t have the wine, no biggy (weird, but whatever) just use the soup as is.

**You may need one of those rubbery/plastic-y spatula things to mush the soup around.**

Cover it up: Make sure you get all the chicken meat covered with the soup stuff. Why? Cuz.

Sprinkle some Salt/Pepper on top.

Cover with tin foil.

Pop into the cooker.

TIMING: This is important. Because I don’t know …

a) how many breasts you’re cooking

b) how thin you may have pounded the things

c) how well your oven works

… the timing on these will vary A LOT. Typically for the three breasts I cook it takes about 45 minutes. There have been times where I haven’t really had a lot of aggression to take out, and haven’t pounded them as thin and it’s taken up to 55 minutes. SO... let’s discuss how you’ll know if the chicken is done. This is important because salmo-fuckin’-nella is gross. You’ll end up cleaning nasty toilets and taking care of yourself, your family, and perhaps out of town guests (EWW!!) which will mean more work/cooking/time spent on others. So pay attention to this and make sure you get it right.

Best Method: Buy a meat thermometer (a nice one is about 15 bucks) and insert into the thickest part of the chicken (remember, this is stuffed, so make sure it’s in the CHICKEN, not into the center where the stuffing is). You want the temperature to be 165 degrees.

**This is done by people who like to cook… and as you know; people who LIKE to cook are sick minded individuals. Such people need watching… preferably from a safe distance. So use caution.

Slacker method, which will work, but makes the chicken not as pretty: Select the thickest piece of chicken, cut into it and look at the meat. Is it pink? Pinkish? Kinda pink? It’s not done. Is it white? It’s done. (Try not to cut the breast much, it will make the juices run out and cause it to be dry)

For the purpose of this recipe, I’m saying that we’re going to time this at 45 minutes, BUT since you have other stuff to cook, set your timer for the following:

Set timer for 25 minutes

While you wait…

If you have guests over, I’m assuming you’re doing something entertaining. If not, let me suggest a few things that are amusing;

1. Dirty Scrabble: This is where you get an extra 10 bonus points for spelling something horribly dirty. You can decide your own rules, of course, but personally I like the ‘no rules’ rules... meaning no matter how down and dirty it is, if you can spell it, you get uber points for it. The entire group does have to agree on it though. You can’t come up with something like “Bloppinspooge”, which NO one has heard of, and then try and pass it off as something that happens if you masturbate in a sub-compact car. (Note to self; start using the term “Bloppinspooge” around friends in order to make it seem like a real word, so that eventually I can use it during Dirty Scrabble) Dirty Scrabble rules also works with many other games, such as Scattagories, Pictionary and Boggle.

2. Drunken Uno: Nothing says fun like a bunch of lushes and some Uno cards. Let me tell you, if you’ve had 9 Butter Shots (ask me how to make these, sometime.YUM), remembering to say Uno when you have one card is tantamount to spontaneously having the ability to stuff your own elbow into your anal cavity. It just ain’t happening without help, yanno? SO, basically, if you have to draw cards because another player has hit you with one of those “draw 2” or “draw 4” cards, you have to drink the appropriate number of shots to go with it. You’ll all be falling over and probably burn your chicken... but you’ll not care really. (Btw... if you burn down your home because of this game, I am NOT held responsible. That’s all on you. You’ve read my stuff, why would you take advice from me)

3. Paddle PomPoms: Get ping pong paddles and a pompom cat toy. Honest… it’s wicked fun. I bought ping pong paddles at a yard sale and we’ve had a great time slapping the pompom around. (Note to self; use “Slapping the pompom” as a sex euphemism and use in conversation with friends so that I can win at Dirty Pictionary.) If you don’t have a cat, get one. If you don’t have a pompom cat toy, you can go for a soft Nerf ball type thing, but they tend to bounce a lot. CAUTION: DO NOT USE A RUBBER SUPER BALL. I’m serious. Don’t. Just. Don't.

4. Dating Disasters: If you have Comcast cable, look under “get local” for the dating videos. They’re hysterical. It’s like a freakin’ train wreck. Also, wicked funny if your guests happen to have a video on there. Heh... LOSERS!

Ooooh k.

25 minutes later; reduce the oven temp to 350.

[BREAD]

Cover in tinfoil (Trust me, I'm making your life easier... recycle other stuff and stop being a martyr in the kitchen, k?)

Spray with one quick spray of Pam cooking spray.

Open the Italian Bread and follow instructions on the cover (that's if you haven't ripped the instructions all to hell while attempting to pull it off the tube)

Put the bread in the oven.

Set the timer for 30 minutes.

Go off and do something fun. Discuss the possibility of contracting projectile leprosy. That will either give you and your guests something funny to talk about for a wee bit, or it will make your guests stare at you with that blank look (I get it A LOT) and you’ll know never to hang out with these squares again, daddy-o.

BEEEEP

Remove the bread from the oven.

Checkin’ Da Chicken: [Notice I did not say remove the chicken… because at this point you are to check the chicken using one of the two methods I wrote about above.]

If the chicken checking goes well, remove the chicken.

If it needs more time, put it back for another 10 minutes.

[SALAD]

Open the bag of salad

Wash the bag of salad (see ‘open’ first, don’t wash the actual salad bag. That would earn you a ‘FoodTarded’ award.)

***Salad Hint:

Bagged salad is super easy, BUT... clean the stuff before eating. I saw this thing on TV once about how they’ve found rodent feces in bagged salad. Is it true? NO FUCKING CLUE!! BUT SWEET TAP-DANCING CHRIST! RAT FECES!! Ok... yeah... so dump the salad in a strainer and use the sink sprayer doo-hicky to clean it really well.

Stick cleaned salad into a big bowl.

If you’re at all OCD, toss a paper towel or clean kitchen towel over it so you can be totally sure that no cockroach or spider or alien-that-wants-to-take-over-your-brain bug gets in it.

Set aside till dinners all ready.

DINNER'S DONE!

When the chicken is done: remove each breast carefully and place on plates. Once on the plate, REMOVE THE TOOTHPICK. That’s a very important step. Don’t forget it, please.

Spoon a bit of the soup on top of the chicken and add a bit of the extra stuffing onto the plate

Place a nice bit o salad on the plate, or even better, put it in some nice wooden salad bowls you got as a wedding present, but you hardly ever use, so they sit on top of the refrigerator gathering dust and wishing they’d get used once in awhile, but NO… YOU have to be so abrasive that you have no friends, hence; the poor bowls never get used and are wasting their youth on the punch bowl sitting next to them that gets no use, either.. so all they can do is sit and discuss what a selfish jerk you are, and how you never think about your bowls…

I digress….

Cut the bread and place into a nice basket.

Serve everything.

Tell everyone that you slaved over this meal and you expect to be the winner of Dirty Scrabble.

Salmon so great it’ll make you wanna SPAWN!

2010-03-07T14:07:00.000-08:00

Salmon is expensive. I assume it’s because it takes a lot of money to get the camera crew out onto the ships for those stupid “I’m a big burley fisherman” reality shows. You know what’s frightening? Someone watches those shows. No clue whom, but if I meet one of them I’m going to slap them soundly on the forehead and hope it jostles the tiny bit of shriveled up matter they call a brain.

I digress… (As usual)

Salmon is expensive, so I really suggest that if you’re going to spend the money and the time to make a salmon dinner, you make it for you and your lover only (If your lover is also your spouse, KUDOS!).

Seriously… this is one of the fastest/easiest dinners I know. The only reason it’s not made in my house more often is the cost of the fish.

I actually know a few ways to cook salmon. I find this fact distressing and I’ll tell you why; if you happen to inadvertently retain recipes in your head there are a couple of things that can happen… neither of them is good.

1. People will expect you to be able to cook at a moment’s notice. Rather than being the one that couldn’t POSSIBLY be called upon to help in the kitchen, or to cook a dish for a church function (HA!!), you become the one that can be trusted around sharp kitchen implements and huge burn-ey hot stove thingies. THIS IS BAD! You’ll have to duck requests for cooking help all the time, and there’s only so many times you can claim to have projectile leprosy in one year without looking stupid.

2. You give up valuable brain real estate. You need all the memory retention space you can get as you get older. Filling your brain up with something as ridiculous as recipes is just a waste of space. Space that could be used for important things like where you left your keys, what you told your spouse you paid for the new shoes so that if asked you can instantly recall that little whopper or my personal favorite, where exactly is that “Safe Place” you keep putting important crap that you can’t seem to find to save your life.. But at least you know its ‘safe’. (I keep all important crap in a safe place. The problem is its safe from me, too. Little bag of sucky right there, I’ll tell you.)

OK... So… here’s a little ‘Choose Your Own Cooking Adventure' game I’ve come up with. Wee! Cooking is FUN! YAAAY.

(Told you... make a game out of it or you’ll want to beat yourself to death with a wooden spork)

Choose the applicable answer below and proceed to the area it tells you to...

a. I have about 45 minutes to make dinner and I’m feeling domestic right now:
(I CHOOSE RECIPE A!)

· Must have Salmon, Seafood Stuffing (available at most fish counters in your local grocery store), a bag-O-salad and a tube-O-bread.

b. I have about 30 minutes to make dinner and get me the hell out of the kitchen. (I CHOOSE RECIPE B!)

· Must have Salmon, Ranch Dressing/Miracle Whip, Bag O salad, Tube O bread.

c. I have about 15 minutes to make dinner, I hate you and all people that make me feel the need to cook for these ungrateful wretches I call family members.
(I CHOOSE RECIPE C!)

· Must have salmon, Ranch Dressing/Miracle Whip and a bag O salad.

RECIPE A:

Ok... so you spent the day watching HGTV, making mental plans to paint or redecorate something and now you feel you should actually do... well... something. This is an easy recipe, but not exactly super super quick. It goes a wee bit against what I usually stand for, but I love fish, and this is wicked yummy.

Stuff you need to have:

1. 1- 1.5 lb of salmon. (A nice thick slice is best for this recipe.)

2. Butter (or butter type stuff)

3. 1 Tbsp of Olive Oil

4. Pepper/Salt/Dill weed

5. 1 cup of seafood stuffing (I’ve always been able to find this at the seafood counter of the grocery store. It’s way easier to buy this stuff than to make it on your own.)

6. Bag O Salad

7. Tube-O-bread (Pillsbury Italian Bread)

Other stuff needed:

1. Glass pan (Pyrex type)

2. Cookie Sheet covered w/Tin Foil

3. Nice thin spatula (IN-FREAKIN’-PORTANT!)

4. Frying pan

5. Hands

6. Cutting board (HINT: Wrap the cutting board in Press & Seal for this one… quicker cleanup)

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

[FISHY]

Take the fishy and plop it on your cutting board scale side down.

(See Salmon Cooking Hint #1)

Make a deep slice from about an inch away from the top of the fish slab, to an inch away from the bottom of the fish slab. I say deep, meaning about all the way through, but just not quite.

Stick your finger in and run it up and down the cut. (If you’re doing it right it will look like a scene from a particularly graphic porno movie.)

Stuff that baby! Push stuffing into the slit. Push as much in as you can, and mound it up on the top of the fish slab, too.

Add the olive oil and about 3 tablespoons of butter to a med-high skillet and bring to a good sizzle. (Kind of boiley-ish)

Carefully place the fish slab in the skillet. (This takes a wee bit of care and precision... don’t screw it up and flip the fish onto the floor, K? – but if you do… 5 second rule DOES apply!)

Spoon the boiley buttery mixture on top of the fish and stuffing. Do this for about 5 minutes.

Remove the fish from the skillet (again, don’t screw it up) and place into the glass pan.

Dump remaining buttery stuffs from skillet on top of the fish; add some pepper/dill/salt.

Place pan into the oven.

[BREAD]

Cover in tinfoil (Trust me, I'm making your life easier... recycle other stuff and stop being a martyr in the kitchen, k?)

Spray with one quick spray of Pam cooking spray.

Open the Italian Bread and follow instructions on the cover (that's if you haven't ripped the instructions all to hell while attempting to pull it off the tube)

Put the bread in the oven.

Set the timer for 30 minutes.

[SALAD]

Open the bag of salad

Wash the bag of salad (see ‘open’ first, don’t wash the actual salad bag. That would earn you a ‘FoodTarded’ award.)

***Salad Hint:

Bagged salad is super easy, BUT... clean the stuff before eating. I saw this thing on TV once about how they’ve found rodent feces in bagged salad. Is it true? NO FUCKING CLUE!! BUT SWEET TAPDANCING CHRIST! RAT FECES!! Ok... yeah... so dump the salad in a strainer and use the sink sprayer doo-hicky to clean it really well.

Stick cleaned salad into a big bowl.

If you’re at all OCD, toss a paper towel or clean kitchen towel over it so you can be totally sure that no cockroach or spider or alien-that-wants-to-take-over-your-brain bug gets in it.

Set aside till dinners all ready.

Time warp, time warp!! - 30 MINUTES LATER

Take the bread out and toss a clean kitchen towel or napkin over it to keep it warm.

Take the fish out and check it. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #2)

Remove the salmon from the pan, and while removing from pan, remove it from the skin, as well. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #3)

Cut the salmon into appropriate number (three is the appropriate number for my lil’ family) and put on plates. Add salad on the side or directly on the dish with the salmon. Slice bread, put everything on the table.

Nomnomnoms.

********************

RECIPE B:

You want a yummy fish dinner because you’re being all healthy and crap. You don’t wanna spend much time doing it. You must have bread because you’re a carb-addict. Well do I got the recipe for YOU! Not only is this yummy, you’ll have practically NO residual fishy smell in the kitchen afterwards (Unless your slutty sister-in-law happens to come over. I can’t do anything about that. I have my own problems, k?)

Stuff you need to have:

1. 1 – 1.5lb of salmon.

2. Ranch Dressing

3. Pepper/Salt/Dill weed

4. Bag O Salad

5. Tube-o-bread

Other stuff needed:

1. Glass pan (Pyrex type)

2. Cookie Sheet covered w/Tin Foil

3. Nice thin spatula (IN-FREAKIN’-PORTANT!)

4. Microwave

5. Press & Seal

6. Hands

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

[BREAD]

Cover in tinfoil (Trust me, I'm making your life easier... recycle other stuff and stop being a martyr in the kitchen, k?)

Spray with one quick spray of Pam cooking spray.

Open the Italian Bread and follow instructions on the cover (that's if you haven't ripped the instructions all to hell while attempting to pull it off the tube)

Put the bread in the oven.

Set the timer for 20 minutes.

[FISHY]

Take the fishy and plop it in your glass Pyrex dish, scaly side down. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #1)

Spread a nice even coating of ranch dressing on the fish. (Cover all the fishy fleshy bits)

Cover the dish with Press & Seal.

Put dish in the microwave.

….please hold… your fish is very important to us… Come back to the fish when the bread timer goes off.

[SALAD]

Open the bag of salad

Wash the bag of salad (see ‘open’ first, don’t wash the actual salad bag. That would earn you a ‘FoodTarded’ award. )

***Salad Hint:

Bagged salad is super easy, BUT... clean the stuff before eating. I saw this thing on TV once about how they’ve found rodent feces in bagged salad. Is it true? NO FUCKING CLUE!! BUT SWEET TAPDANCING CHRIST! RAT FECES!! Ok... yeah... so dump the salad in a strainer and use the sink sprayer doo-hicky to clean it really well.

Stick cleaned salad into a big bowl.

If you’re at all OCD, toss a paper towel or clean kitchen towel over it so you can be totally sure that no cockroach or spider or alien-that-wants-to-take-over-your-brain bug gets in it.

Set aside till dinners all ready.

-----Time warp 20 minutes into the future!!

BACK TO THE FISHY!

Microwave the salmon for 4 – 5 minutes on high. Obviously, microwave times vary. I’d check the fish after 4 minutes and make sure it’s lookin’ good. Typically I find for my microwave it takes me about 6 minutes to get to the point I like it, but always err on the side of undercooked salmon. You can always add a minute to the cook time. Taking away a minute involves complex time/space machinery that, well, let’s faces it, you probably don’t have on hand. I mean... I’m worried you may NOT have a microwave or a wooden spoon or whathaveyou… chances you have a time changey device is probably really freakin’ slim, hmm? Umm...anyway. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #2.)

Remove the salmon from the dish. Also, while removing from the dish, remove from the skin. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #3.)

Slice the salmon into appropriate size slices depending on how many peeps you’re feeding (for me, it’s three.)

HAY! - Back to Bread!

By now you should remove the bread. Remember, the bread takes 1.2 hour. So by putting the timer at 20 minutes, then spending a few minutes Salmon Wrasslin’, you’re probably to the .5 hour mark… so take out your bread and get your carbs on, baby!

Grub’s on!

Stick everything on a table, eat it up.

********************

RECIPE C:

Super fast salmon dinner! I like this one a whole lot. Why, may you ask? Cus its fast and my kitchen doesn’t smell like fish when I’m done (unless my sister-in-law has been here... but you do NOT want details on that, trust me.) Also, if someone else is around I seem wicked healthy. I’m not, but it seems like I am! Perception is all that matters!

Stuff you need to have:

1. 1 – 1.5lb of salmon.

2. Ranch Dressing or Miracle Whip

3. Pepper/Salt/Dill weed

4. Bag O Salad

Other stuff needed:

1. Glass pan (Pyrex type)

2. Nice thin spatula (IN-FREAKIN’-PORTANT!)

3. Microwave

4. Press & Seal

5. Hands

[FISHY]

Take the fishy and plop it in your glass Pyrex dish, scaly side down. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #1)

Spread a nice even coating of ranch dressing on the fish. (Cover all the fishy fleshy bits)

Cover the dish with Press & Seal.

Put dish in the microwave.

….please hold… your fish is very important to us… Come back to the fish when the salad is ready.

[SALAD]

Open the bag of salad

Wash the bag of salad (see ‘open’ first, don’t wash the actual salad bag. That would earn you a ‘FoodTarded’ award. )

***Salad Hint:

Bagged salad is super easy, BUT... clean the stuff before eating. I saw this thing on TV once about how they’ve found rodent feces in bagged salad. Is it true? NO FUCKING CLUE!! BUT SWEET TAPDANCING CHRIST! RAT FECES!! Ok... yeah... so dump the salad in a strainer and use the sink sprayer doo-hicky to clean it really well.

Stick cleaned salad into a big bowl.

If you’re at all OCD, toss a paper towel or clean kitchen towel over it so you can be totally sure that no cockroach or spider or alien-that-wants-to-take-over-your-brain bug gets in it.

Set aside till salmon is all ready.

Microwave the salmon for 4 – 5 minutes on high. Obviously, microwave times vary. I’d check the fish after 4 minutes and make sure it’s lookin’ good. Typically I find for my microwave it takes me about 6 minutes to get to the point I like it, but always err on the side of undercooked salmon. You can always add a minute to the cook time. Taking away a minute involves complex time/space machinery that, well, let’s face it, you probably don’t have on hand. I mean... I’m worried you may NOT have a microwave or a wooden spoon or whathaveyou… chances you have a time changey device is probably really freakin’ slim, hmm? Umm...anyway. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #2.)

Remove the salmon from the dish. Also, while removing from the dish, remove from the skin. (See Salmon Cooking Hint #3.)

Slice the salmon into appropriate size slices depending on how many peeps you’re feeding (for me, it’s three.)

Do one of the following:

1. Slice the salmon into nice bite size pieces, place on top of salad in a nice salad bowl. Looks pretty, doubled “aren’t you just the healthy one!” points.

2. Put salmon onto dish, put salad onto dish (this is especially good for people with that weird “my food can’t touch each other” issue.)

Eat up, like this; NOMNOMNOMMIN’

********************

Salmon Cooking Hint #1:

Umm… about the scaly bits… here’s the deal on this. Ask the dweeb at the fish counter to slice the skin off ONLY if they look competent. Slicing the skin off is a bitch and a half. It’s hard. If they don’t do a good job at it you lose a good portion of your fish and you’re faced with having to tell them “Well now I don’t want it, you dork!” which is fun, but often times just too much effort, yanno? SO, if it looks like they know what they’re doing, ASK. If, however, it doesn’t look like it can be done easily by that person, don’t ask. Just cook the fish and then using a thin spatula, lift the fish away from the skin afterwards. That’s as far as I’m going with this hint cus the only way to make it easier for you is for me to come over there and do it.. and you got a better chance of kissing the Pope on the mouth than you have of getting me to come help cook.)

(To go back where you were please click "back" on your browsers tool bar. If you don't know what that is... sell your computer, please.)

Salmon Cooking Hint #2:

It’s tricky with salmon to really check it well. This is because it’s a pink fish, and when cooked, is still a pinkish fish. It comes down to texture. Fish is flakey. Even a fairly moist fish like Salmon gets kinda flakey. If it’s overcooked it’s kinda hard. Don’t do that, k? If it’s NOT cooked all the way, it’s not at all flakey. Its pinker, and...Erm... unflakier (in a sorta mooshy way) than the rest of the fish. Here’s what I found online about how to make sure fish is cooked all the way:

“To test, give it a gentle press or squeeze. (That’s what she said!) Perfectly cooked salmon will give slightly, but not too much; if it's wobbly or jelly-like, then it's undercooked. Salmon which is firm to the touch is definitely overcooked and you'll find eating it akin to chewing on cotton wool.” – from http://www.trout-salmon-fishing.com/salmon-recipes.htm

(I love this person!) Ok... so don’t eat wobbly or jelly-like salmon. Also, don’t eat super firm cotton wool salmon. Words to live by, my friend. Words to live by.

(To go back where you were please click "back" on your browsers tool bar. If you don't know what that is... sell your computer, please.)

Salmon Cooking Hint #3:

Peek at the edge of the salmon. See where the skin sorta meets the meat of the fish? Slide the spatula between there and lift. Again, its’ easy, but not all that easy to explain. So...erm... have at it.

(To go back where you were please click "back" on your browsers tool bar. If you don't know what that is... sell your computer, please.)

What a Crock! Crock-Pot Beef Barley Stew Meal

2010-03-01T10:50:00.000-08:00

Let me start off by saying that over the years my mother had told me I need a Crock-pot. Not only did she tell me I needed one, (In that tone only a mom convinced of her infallible advice, can use.) but each time she came to my home and I DIDN’T have a Crock-pot, she would show up the next time with one. Usually a used one she got at a yard sale. This went on for years. Years of me waiting till she left the house to grumble, complain and heft poor Mr. Used Crock-Pot out to my car and to the nearest Salvation Army (They apparently need many, many Crock-Pots to survive.)

Recently I decided to try one. I had to buy one (at a thrift store) because I had finally shown my mother that I was not going to be lured into being a Crock-Pot fan-girl, no matter what she did. Trust me... the irony was not lost on me. Neither was the $5 I had to spend to get my own dull brown and gold cooking vessel which I’ve recently upgraded. (BTW… I have a free gold and dull brown Crock-Pot if anyone wants it. I’m a damn hoarder, I swear.)

If you hate to cook, buy one of these suckers. I swear, it doesn’t instantly turn you into a domestic house frau.

Here’s my number one Crock-Pot dinner cop out that your rotten family will more than appreciate. As a matter of fact, they’ll love it and probably do one of the following;

a) Sing you songs.

b) Pick you flowers.

c) Compose sonnets to your greatness.

d) Hoist you to their shoulders and carry you round and round while cheering and throwing pastel colored confetti.

(Or they’ll say ... “yeah... that was pretty good... Gotta go tweet some crap about stuff and junk.”)

On to the meal!

What to get your hands on:

1. Beefy chunks. 1.5 – 2 pounds. (Aka. Boneless chuck stewing beef)

2. Carrots. I’d say 1 small bag, ½ 1 larger bag, or 4 big adult carrots. (make your life easy by buying baby carrots already peeled and in a handy little bag... unless you're also trying to save money, than just buy the big “I gotta peel and cut these fucking things!?” kind)

3. Baby red potatoes, about 5… unless they’re super tiny. (Again... you’ll be all Martha like cus their red and pretty. They also are small so they’re practically bite size, so why spend the time/energy cutting them all up? Hmm? Use the noggin’… always take the slacker way out!)

4. *One onion. (Seriously... who the fuck cares what kind. Just get a decent sized onion)

5. Celery (4 -5 really nice size stalks)(Heh. Celery stalking... that’s going to be a new illustration)

6. 1 cup of Barley.

7. 1 McCormick’s Slow Cooker Beef Stew Seasoning packet

8. *1 table spoon of Corn Starch

9. *Pillsbury Italian Bread Tube

Other stuff needed:

1. Crock-Pot (Wal-Mart carries a good one that’s like $20 bucks, and is a really good size. Go buy one. The small “Crock-Pot” brand ones are good, but kinda tiny for what you’re doing here.)

2. Knife and cutting board. (RAH! Stabbity stabbity!)

3. Roughly about 4 – 8 hours of time you don’t plan on spending in the kitchen (this is a meal you need to start early in the day. It’s quick, but needs a long time to cook)

4. Cookie sheet to cook your yummy tube-o-bread.

5. Pam cooking spray

6. *Veggie peeler

7. Hands.

8. A room with a high ceiling for when your family carries you about.

(* means that you should have something like this... feel free to omit or exchange or whathaveyou.)

[BEEF BARLEY STEW]

Cut Veggies Up: Grab your veggies, knife and cutting board and start making stabby, slashy motions till everything is cut up. (If you bought the bag of baby carrots, no cutting needed. If you bought the tiny tiny baby red potatoes, no cutting needed... if the potatoes are egg sized, cut in half)

I like my stuff cut very chunky… simply because I feel it gives it a real “I made this homemade, people!” look. I know you’re thinking that making smaller cuts will look like you took more time… Spent more of your day pondering the infinite and varied ways you could make your family happy. BUT DON’T FALL INTO THAT TRAP! If you cut too small an astute husband may think “Hmm… Too precise... Too much time spent… Too…too… DINTY MOORE!! YOU FRAUD, LIAR, JEZZABELL! I CAUGHT YOU! JUST LIKE I CAUGHT YOU SNEAKING IN THOSE NEW JIMMY CHOO’S IN YOUR SHOULDERBAG! “HAD THEM FOREVER”, MY ASS! “And really… why take the chance of having THAT old argument again, huh?

Remember… cooking is just one way out of many that you can use at Christmas, Mother’s day and Valentine’s Day to guilt your family into buying you good stuff. Don’t let those sneaky little twerps turn the tables on you!

But I digress…

Once everything is cut up put them into the Pot’O’Crock in this order;

1. Barley

2. Potatoes

3. Carrots

4. Meat

5. Onion

6. Celery

Why you ask? Because I freakin’ said so! (No no… well yes, but no.. because the stuffs on the bottom takes a wee bit longer to cook/get tender, so let’s get it closer to the main heat source, yes? Yes. See… reasonable… responsible… always thinking ahead… And I’ve had many a bad bunch O stew.)

Mix the packet of Slow Cooker spices with the just a weencie bit less water than it says to use. Put it in a small container (I use my Pyrex measuring cup... $3.99 at Wallyworld.) Dump on top of the junk in the Crock-Pot. You’ll probably have a small bit of not totally mixed spicy crap at the bottom of the container. Put that weencie bit of water you left out into the container, swish, dump into the pot. See? Always thinking!

Mix: Now… this next little part takes precision, technique, practice and the ability to do really unwise things because someone says it’s OK. Put the top on the Crock-Pot (that isn’t the precision part) grab the handles of the pot, swish in a clockwise motion. At this point you’re either mixing the stuff up a bit, or you’re wearing it and you have a happy cat next to your dripping socks. But you didn’t use a big wooden spoon, and that was the point. You win. (You have to turn cooking into a game or you may end up wanting to kill yourself because it’s so gaddamn coma-inducing-boring.)

Turn on the Crock-Pot. (Do a striptease? No... Use the dial, ya twisted boob.)

· LOW: If you have 8 hours of time between turning it on and dinner, put it on LOW (even if you have like 7 hours, that’s OK too... maybe even 6. I’m no chef.)

· HIGH: If you don’t have that much time because you went to the store to get the stuff for this, and then noticed that Macy’s was having a sale and Target had two for one on romance novels or some crap like that, and you get home and now you only have 4 hours till dinner, MINUS the time it’s going to take you to get all the new stuff you bought into inconspicuous “what the spouse doesn’t know won’t hurt’em” spots around the house, then put it on HIGH.

Now you’re good for either 3.5 – 7.5 hours. Go do something fun, I say. There are two ways you can view this time… and it’s really based on how honest a person you are and if you are hoping to get amazing accolades for the amount of work you’ve done on dinner today.

Choice A:

I’m an honest person and I don’t want to fool my loving family into thinking I do any more work than I already do!

First off, you’re an asshat, but whatever. K.. so if you’re not fooling your family (Like most normal people would) take a nice family outing, or do this before work, or spend the entire day devoted to your husband/wife/lifemate/children/pets, whathaveyou. When you get home you’ll smell the sumptuous aroma of beef stew, you can plump a pillow for your husband/wife/lifemate/children/pet’s feet, turn on a football game and bake the bread, blah, blah, blah, you’re boring, blah.

Choice B:

HELLZ YA I’ll be fooling those dweebs!

YOU are worthy of praise, my friend. Worthy. Of. Praise. DO NOT spend the day with your family, tending to their needs, making sure they have all they need for a happy existence. Make them all leave the house. You’re working on a BIG dinner, after all… you need peace, quiet… and because they won’t give a crap about that, tell them that if they stay, they MUST help you cook dinner and clean out the pantry and refrigerator. They’ll leave skid marks out the door, trust me. If they all work/go to school, no need for subterfuge. (Although even when there isn’t need for it, use it. It keeps you sharp.)

You got everything in the pot, it’s turned on… go shopping. Do your hair. Sit down and watch TV. Read a book without being interrupted every three minutes. Call a friend and laugh over the way your husband can’t put a pillow into a pillow case without getting winded, red-faced and frustrated. Masturbate… whatever it is you usually don’t have time to do alone. (By the way, if you DO masturbate, please remember to wash your hands afterwards. I can’t condone that much slack in the sanitation department, yanno?)

When it gets about time for the fam to get home:

1. Take out the corn starch; put a wee smudge of it on your cheek.

2. Mess up your hair (not needed if your masturbation technique calls for vigorous rolling about)

3. Make the kitchen just a wee bit messy by using clean dishes on the counter. (The family won’t notice... they’ll see “mess” and run out of the kitchen. Notice, this is the same technique they always use… they call it “Clutter Blindness”, but we know better).

4. Open the fridge and move the contents around into straight lines. (They won’t notice it’s not cleaned, they’ll just see that things are at straight angles and assume you cleaned it.)

5. Same for the pantry.

6. Look exhausted (Again, depending on the masturbation, you may actually be exhausted.)

*****IMPORTANT - ½ hour before dinner time DO THIS*****

Get cold water, about ¼ - ½ cup and mix the corn starch into it. COLD... not kidding... use hot and you’re in trouble. Some science shit at work here again. Dump into the stew. Mix around a bit or go for the sloshy maneuver again. If the stew temp was on low, put it on high. If it’s already on high, you’re done.

[BREAD]

I’ve talked about this before, but here goes again…

Take out a cookie sheet. (Personally I go for the foil cookie sheets, 3 for $2.49 at the grocery store, cus you can toss them out if you happen to get stuff stuck on them that you don't wanna clean) Cover in tinfoil (Trust me, I'm making your life easier... recycle other stuff and stop being a martyr in the kitchen, k?)

Spray with one quick spray of Pam cooking spray.

Open the French Bread and follow instructions on the French bread cover (that's if you haven't ripped the instructions all to hell while attempting to pull it off the tube)

Put the bread in the oven.

Set the timer for 30 minutes.

The End:

When the bread is done, take out, cut up, stick in little basket or something and put out the butter.

Get nice big bowls – I usually go for some nice pasta bowls, but whatever you have is fine. Just remember, presentation is everything. You want your family to know you worked hard… so if you dress it up a bit it will be years before they realize you spent the day kanoodling yourself and relaxing. (Umm. Hopefully they never figure out the kanoodle part... that would be kind of embarrassing they may accuse you of being unsanitary.)

Don't be a Pussy - Make Meatloaf, for Christsake.

2010-02-28T09:56:00.000-08:00

Ok.. So you want to make something for dinner and you're positive that if you step into the kitchen you may just die. You won't, (well, you will if there's a mass murderer hiding in there with a big stabby type knife, but let’s just say this isn't so for now .. and if it is, I freakin' warned you not to go in there) you’ll only want to. Make some meatloaf.

Now… Onto Meatloaf Meal!

I’m going to put all the items you’ll need so you can determine if you can make this right away, rather than hunting & pecking through to see if you need anything.

1. Ground beef

2. 1 egg

3. Breadcrumbs

4. Sweet Baby Ray BBQ sauce

5. Ketchup

6. *Spicey stuff (onion salt, salt, pepper, celery salt, cheapo all spice stuff, dill weed)

7. Pillsbury Italian Bread tube

8. Can of veggies

9. 4 small-ish red potatoes or 2 medium-ish regular potatoes

10. Butter or margarine

Other stuff needed;

1. Pan for meatloaf, I prefer glass Pyrex dish

2. *Sauce pan

3. Rubbermaid microwavable dish with cover OR regular little mixing bowl and something to cover it with.

4. Cookie sheet

5. Tin foil

6. *Pam Cooking Spray (or something like it)

7. Hands

(* means that you should have something like this.. feel free to omit or exchange or whathaveyou)

Preheat oven to 350.

[MEATLOAF]

· 1 lb of ground beef - I suggest the 85% lean, and I also suggest that if you're anything like me you read the label to make sure that it's not ground beef that's been sitting in your fridge since last May.. because that's not only going to taste rather bad, but could make your family sick, and then you'll have to take care of them.. and probably cook broth or something vile like that.

· 1/4 cup of barbeque sauce (I like Sweet Baby Rays)

· 1/4 cup of Ketchup

· A bunch of shakes of the following spices; Some cheapo all spice type mixture, celery salt, salt, pepper

· 1 egg

· 1/2 cup breadcrumbs (typically I like the Italian seasoned ones)

Put everything in a bowl. (Crack the egg, btw… no trying to save time by thinking the shell will add some 'texture'.)

Mix it. (wait wait… see the hint below before mixing this!)

**HINT**
Get everything INTO the bowl, have ready the following; Nail brush Dawn dishwashing liquid Towel.

1. Turn on the tap till the water is hot, shut off the water.

2. Dump a wee bit of the dawn into the bottom of the sink somewhere it won't immediately drip into the drain.

3. Take off all rings

4. Plunge your hands into the bowl, mashing and mashing all the junk you just put in there into one huge ball of mush. Get the spices, egg, et all mushed up together nice and good.

5. Pick up the mush, toss it into a glass Pyrex pan (I use the smaller square one.. hmm.. 8 x 6 or something) and use your fingers to mush it into the corners and all nice and flat.

6. Use your wrist to turn the water on (should be pretty hot still)

7. Wipe your hand over the Dawn on the bottom of the sink and wash up.

8. Once most of the ick is off your hands you can grab the nail brush and get under your nails (cus seriously.. GROSS!)

9. Dry off and you're good to go.

Put it in pan.

Put a bit of bbq sauce on the top, along with some ketchup, perhaps a wee bit of the breadcrumbs and, if you really want to get fancy-shmancy, a bit of parmesan cheese if you happen to have some.

***No oven yet.. ***

[BREAD]

Spray with one quick spray of Pam cooking spray.

Open the French Bread and follow instructions on the French bread cover (that's if you haven't ripped the instructions all to hell while attempting to pull it off the tube)

Put the bread in the oven.

Put the meatloaf in the oven.

Set the timer for 30 minutes.

***You're not done yet, cupcake!**

[POTATOES]

I choose red potatoes cus they're pretty and make me feel all Martha like.

Cut into pieces… usually like..hmm.. [-------------------------------] this wide by [-----------------] this wide.

Put into a microwave safe Rubbermaid container if you have one with a cover, if not, just into a bowl covered with some wax paper.

***HINT***
Don't cover it with Plastic Cling Wrap or Press & Seal (which I love) cus it'll melt. I swear it. It's gross... I know this because I keep forgetting this little gem of wisdom and have had to pull melted Press & Seal off my bowls several times. I don't really share this with the family since they may think "Hmm.. I may have eaten some press and seal! My mother is psychotic! She's trying to kill me!"... no no.... not true. The stuff doesn't melt into the potatoes, just onto the bowl.. but considering the amount of times I've messed with them, they'll think I'm totally lying, so I just keep this little blurp to myself.

I digress…

Put the potatoes into the bowl,

Add butter, a few tablespoons. (I say BUTTER cus it tastes best, but honestly, if you prefer margarine that works too.)

Shake some of the following spicey stuff; Garlic salt, Onion salt, Dill weed (which always sounds like an insult to me. Shaddap, ya Dillweed!)

Put into microwave for 5 minutes at 50% power. (Depending on your microwave you may have to fiddle with these times. MY microwave Jim -yes I named him Jim- anyway... Jim has a "potato" button. I push once for one potato, twice for two potatoes... so on. As far as I can tell it cooks one potato at about 50% power for about 5 minutes.)

Go out into the living room and complain about how much work you're doing.

When the potatoes are done, check them. Poke them a bit with something stabby… a knife, a fork, a finger.. if they all seem pretty soft, yay.. you're done. Put the cover back on and stick them into the Jim to keep warm. If not, add more time. OH.. Mix'em up before putting them back in the Jim, though.

Now... you should still have about 20 minutes on the timer.

[VEGGIES]

Open a can of veggies. Whatever is your favorite.

Put into a small sauce pan.

Set a separate timer (one on the Jim or perhaps your cell or something) for 5 minutes BEFORE the oven timer is going to go off.

~~~Cooking Interlude~~~

Go play Wii Fit or read or contemplate the difference between gender roles and gender rolls

Here’s a little child rearing story from me (and please... there is a HUGE difference between Child Rearing and Child *rearing*. NEVER get these confused. When I say child rearing, I mean the raising of children. When Bart the leather vest wearing drunk at the 7-11 says child rearing.. he means something different.. and you should flee.)

WereGuppies

When my daughter was very little, oh...two, I think, we lived in a crappy garden style apartment. You know, the cookie cutter type every married (way too young because the girl got knocked up) couple ends up living in. We had the prerequisite sliding door in our living room that went out to a little 6x4 concrete slab patio. Behind our apartment was a big muddy river. The river didn't have a nice gentle slope down to its shore, it was a sharp downward angle covered in briars and brambles.

My daughter was a 'wanderer'. Some may say she was simply trying to escape my cooking... but I prefer to believe she just had an adventurous spirit. She also had NO fear of water. None. I was terrified she'd slip out, go to the river and attempt a swim. SO... being a creative type mommy, I told her many a story of the terrifying WereGuppies that lived in that river. "Never... NEVER go near that river without a mommy or daddy. Mommy’s and daddy’s frighten Wereguppies... Children alone are often eaten by them. They're horrible little swimming beasts, and their favorite meal is little girl! Ooooh... scary stuff there, my friend. Scare–ee stuff!”

This kept my little wanderer away from the river. As she got older we moved away from the river and she learned to swim like a fish, so the wereguppies were forgotten. By me, anyway.

Eighteen years later I get a phone call from my daughter. She's on her cellphone at Petsmart. She's mad. Wait…Not mad... she's STEAMED AND PISSED.

Chelsea:	"MOM!!! WTF!?"
Me:	"Umm... huh?"
Chelsea:	"I'm at Petsmart. They have GUPPIES here. GUPPIES ARE TINY!!"
Me:	"Yes. Let’s add that to Wikipedia!"
Chelsea:	"GUPPIES mom! AS IN WEREGUPPIES!"
Me:	:::Laughing::: "You remember that?! Ohmygosh.. I had forgotten about that. That was so funny!"
Chelsea:	::::Not laughing.. not one bit:::: "Yeah. I remember it. I spent my entire life afraid of guppies. I WAS AFRAID OF A 1/2 INCH FISH!"
Me:	"Oh no baby.. you were afraid of a fictional 1/2 in fish. Wereguppies are way scarier than a real guppy. Which is why it kept my 2 year old from plunging headfirst into a river and getting all dead".
Chelsea:	"You totally suck!"
Me:	"I know, baby. I know."

She's still mad about it. She's 20 years old and if I bring up guppies or wereguppies she gets all pinched and irritated. It's still amuses me to this day. I love going to the lake with her. Hehe.

Ok then. Back to the hellish pit called Kitchen.

Once your “5 minutes before” timer goes off, go in and turn the burner on under the veggies. Turn it up pretty high.. hmm.. med/high-ish - high.

Add 40 seconds on the Jim to warm up the taters.

Get out the plates/silverware and set the table or floor or where ever you choose to eat.

This part is VERY important: Go out into the living room and sigh out a long suffering sigh. Tell them dinner will be done in just a few minutes.

**BEEEEP-SES**

Take out the bread.. put it on the cutting board... cut it all up, toss it on the plates or if you're feeling wicked fancy, into a predetermined breadbasket lined with paper towels.

Take out the Meatloaf (SHUT OFF THE OVEN) and sit it on a trivet.

Take out the potatoes and mix'em up.

Put stuff on the plates. Once all the stuff is on the plates THEN put the veggies on the plate. Veggies cool off at a rate of 100% faster than everything else. It's some weird science crap or something.

Serve it to your unappreciative family.

All in all, this meal takes about 15 minutes prep time start to finish, and about 1.2 hour cook time. It comes out really good and the family won't know that it really doesn't take much effort, really. Make them clean up. Seriously… Make them. You just worked wicked hard and gave them nourishment. Plus, if you have kids you carried them IN YOUR BODY for 9 months! They can clean a damn plate!